Aelwyd y pedwar ceffyl

Old year, new year

2012-01-03T18:29:00.000Z

2011 was not an easy year for me. I did manage to keep my weight down which given the various stresses I've been under I feel quite proud of but I think I've probably cried more this year than I have for many years. In spite of all the stress and difficulties I have been dealing with though I have also found a happiness that I never expected I would find. I have found myself more able to be the woman I was inside. The woman that had to be careful what she said and did so as not to cause problems at home no longer has to be as watchful. There are now times when I am actually encouraged to drop the masks and let go of my emotions and that still feels odd.

The winter festivals of Eponalia, Winter Solstice and Midwinter were not the easiest for me. Eponalia and Midwinter (aka Christmas) were both at weekends and I was unable to be with my children for those. I did make a bigger deal of the Winter Solstice with the kids than I had done in previous years though.

Eponalia for me was very much about acknowledging and embracing the darkness as well as honouring Epona and horses generally. I got to write and lead the local Tuatha de Bridget group ritual and these things were the focus for that ritual. Interestingly enough it was a beautiful bright winter's day for that ritual.

On previous winter solstices I had started a tradition of going for a walk with my son around the local houses and looking at their decorations and lights. Last year (2010) the weather had been too cold, snowy and icy for us to continue that but this time the weather was fairly mild so out we all went. My nephews and niece joined us too making 5 kids and 1 adult. This was the first time my little girl could join us and every time she saw new decorations she shouted "Lights! Lights!" and bouncing up and down with excitement. She also kept wanting to knock on the doors and I had to explain that we didn't do that at this time of year, that was a halloween thing. After the walk I gave presents to all the kids as I wouldn't be seeing them on Christmas day until the evening and they all had fun opening them.

Midwinter (or Christmas) was a quiet one, probably the quietest I have had for years, but although I missed the children I did have a good time and it really felt like the light was coming back and not just the physical light.

New year's eve was also quiet as again I was away from the children. I spent it with the new love of my life though and it felt really wonderful to be with him.

So here I am in the early days of 2012. Next week the children return to school and nursery and I return to work. Later this month I will have the first court hearing connected with my divorce and early next month will be the second one. Hopefully this year will see the divorce completed and I will be able to start moving on in more ways than one.

Life is full of changes, some more traumatic than others. May this year be filled with changes for the better for all of my readers.

Winters days, winters nights.

2011-11-20T23:15:00.000Z

On Saturday I went up to the Perth and Kinross area of Scotland and visited two stone circles with a dear friend. Neither are of these sites are marked by signs and although both are relatively near roads they are off single track roads.

The first one in particular, Blackfaulds stone circle, looked as if it hadn't had any human visitors for a very long time. The circle is in an area of woodland with your birch and oak trees surrounding it and within the circle. Although it is close to the road it is not easy to spot as the stones are low and almost entirely covered in moss and lichens. Over the past few months I've been able to visit many stone circles and each one has it's own atmosphere and energies which is as you would expect. Standing in this one I felt a tremendous sense of the age of the land. I also felt stretched out between the land beneath me and the sky above me. The day was fine with blue skies and mild temperatures. There was barely a breath of breeze but the quality of light was just amazing. As I looked around me I could see threads of light glinting and glimmering between the surrounding trees. The area was surrounded with fine webs and as the sky breathed around us they shimmered with the light of the sun.

One of the most striking things about this particular place is that it is at this time of year that it will see the most light surrounded as it is by trees. In the spring and summer months it may well be almost impossible to spot and much harder to visit too. What light reaches the stones at that time of year will be patchy and dappled green. But now with the last few leaves still clinging onto the branches, in a time of growing darkness this stone circle sees the winters light.

From that circle we went just a short distance to another in a clearing within forestry commission forest off a track better suited to tractors and land-rovers than cars. This circle is called Druids' Seat. It's further away from the road and not easy to spot from it but the clearing is visible through the trees and when you start moving towards it you can see the largest of the stones reasonably easily. This area was once much more overgrown and the signs of tree stumps are all around the clearing. The grass round and in the circle itself was shorter and flatter than that in the surrounding area leading us to think that this site got a few more visitors. Again the quality of light was just amazing but one of the strongest features of this circle was the smells. The air was rich with a scent very similar to good quality mushrooms cooking. I tracked this scent down to a type of fungus growing on the tree stumps. Again the energies of this place were strong. When I stood on the outside of the largest of the stones the energies seemed to be flowing up from the ground into the air with a tangible resistance in the air about six inches away from the surface. When I stood on the other side the energies pulled me in so I practically fell forward with hands outstretched to make contact with the top of the stone. From the inside of the circle it felt as if energy was being drawn from me and everything else on that side and then channelled up and out of the other side of the stone. I couldn't stand there for long as my hands got incredibly cold. This wasn't hostile in any way just a powerful sensation.

As has become our custom before we departed these circles we made our own offerings of energy for the spirits of land in those places to use as they willed.

We looked for a couple of other stone circle sites but were not as successful in finding ones that we could visit even with the aid of the sat-nav. So we headed off to another site near Loch Tay - Acharn Falls. We weren't sure what we would find here as the site was listed under megaliths but the name suggested waterfalls. Now I've looked at the records of the area I can now see why. There is a stone circle in the area but we didn't find that but we did find a sign pointing us in the direction of a circular walk for the Falls of Acharn.

What we didn't know is that the walk also led to a place the sign calles the "hermit's cave" which turned out to be a wonderful place to view the waterfall. We walked up a steep track and went through hermit's cave (a man made underground passage) which has an exit overlooking the waterfall. We got there just before dusk and stood there listening to the sounds of the water and nature around us and watching the light fade as the clouds gathered and dusk began to envelop us. It was a simply magical place and to be there at a such a liminal time just added to the whole effect.

Finally, after we had walked down the hill back to the car in the growing dark we stopped by Loch Tay itself and watched for a while as the darkness grew. There was a patch of lighter sky visible through the clouds which reflected in the water. As the dark grew and clouds moved across the sky so the reflection moved over the water. There were barely any sounds of traffic although you could see the sporadic passing lights of cars on the road by the other side of the loch reflecting in the water. We stood there by the Crannog Centre (which is well worth a visit by the way) listening to the sound of the water lapping the edge of the shore. It was very easy to understand why our ancient ancestors seemed to think of rivers and lakes as living presences standing there.

Finally we returned to Glasgow in the darkness of a mild wintersnight.

Later in the evening we reflected on the words Heron wrote on the Caer Feddwyd Forum for Wintersnights and shared a toast in honour of the changing season. The whole day had turned out to be one of reflection on the changing season, of the growing dark and of the hope of light within that darkness. Wintersdays and wintersnights.

The Marcus Cocceius Firmus Altars

2011-10-25T22:08:00.000+01:00

As requested below a few photos of the unique group of altars found along the Antonine wall at Auchendavy.

The group of five altars all dedicated by Marcus Cocceius Firmus. The one on the far right is the one to the Spirit of Britain and next to that is the one that mentions Epona.

Altar to various deities including Mars and Epona

Close up of the inscription of the altar mentioning Epona

Close up of the unique altar to the Spirit of Britain

Altar to Epona

2011-10-17T15:01:00.001+01:00

Most of you reading this will know how dear to my heart Epona is and has been for many years. While she is best known from inscriptions across Gaul there is one that was found in Scotland at Auchendavy which was once a fort along the Antonine Wall.

Last weekend I got the chance to visit the re-opened Hunterian museum at the University of Glasgow and the new permanent exhibition on the Antonine Wall: Rome's Final Frontier. The exhibition includes a set of five altars each dedicated to a different deity/being or group of beings and all commissioned by the same individual, Marcus Cocceius Firmus, centurion of the Second Augustan Legion. One of those is the one that includes Epona and next to it is one dedicated to the Spirit of Britain.

I was simply overjoyed to see these altars and I expect I'll be going back many times to visit them.

Life

2011-10-01T22:08:00.000+01:00

Those of you that keep an eye on my blog may be wondering about the silence here recently. It's simple really - life!

I'm separating from husband and intend to get divorced. I never thought I'd do that but you change and sometimes those changes are more drastic that you ever would have expected. Needless to say it is a stressful process but one I feel I have made the right choice about even though it is hard.

My wonderful and autistic son has recently changed schools from a mainstream primary into an autistic unit connected to another primary school. On the whole he does like his new school but there have been difficulties too. It's early days though and I'm hopeful that things will settle down a bit more as he gets more familiar with the way things are done at his new school.

My darling daughter is being much better at nursery school this year which is a relief but there are times when she pushes things too. She's developing quite a knowledge of Spanish via the Dora the Explorer TV programme and can count to ten in English, Spanish and German. I think she may prove to be much better at languages than her mummy :)

And then there's work which is not being as stressful as it has been at times in the past for me personally but it's not an easy time for most Universities right now and the one I am both a graduate and an employee of is no exception.

What one thing and another I often don't have the energy to even start to write something for this blog. And recently when I have had the energy I haven't been able to find the words. Today seems to be an exception.

Hopefully things will get better soon.

Experiences with Yew

2011-08-15T21:57:00.000+01:00

Like many with an interest in druidry (and that is where I started in Paganism) I have a fondness for trees and am a self confessed tree hugger. One type of tree which has continually fascinated me over the years is the Yew. I first did a meditation to commune with the spirit of Yew in September 1999 after a Spirit of the North Gathering (SONG) at Ford castle in Northumbria and an experience there of singing under some yew trees.

On that first meditation with Yew I met two spirits one male and one female whose appearance kept changing from young to old and back again. At that time this was very disorientating for me so I asked them to take on one form and they picked the appearance of an old woman and old man with twinkling young eyes. They seemed somehow ageless and yet ancient at the same time. Their message for me at that time was about the importance of living in the present moment. The past and future were important yes, but if you dwell too much on either you forget to make the most of your present. It's a lesson that I continually try and keep in mind.

I will admit that I haven't done much further meditation with Yew since that time but I have often spent a bit of time communing with yew trees I have come across. I have also used parts of yew trees in healing spells for others from time to time.

Recently the yew tree has been making its presence felt in my life in a different way.

When I visited north Wales in early May our host, Stephen, took us on a walk along a river and past the ruins of a village (written about in Brython gathering May 2011 which was a visit at the end of May to the same place). Near those ruins I was pulled towards a yew tree. I stood beneath it's branches and reached out to touch it. I asked it for cleansing and healing of some of the negativity I was experiencing at that time. As I did so I began to feel a welling up of energy inside me, it grew within me centred around my heart and then erupted out of me as if I was being sick. This happened three times with the physical effects of the third time in particular making me double over and practically retch it was so powerful. After that I moved away from under the branches shaking like a leaf myself. When I had recovered a bit I moved in again and offered some water near the roots of the tree.

I visited that tree again when I returned to the area for the Brython gathering but at that time the effects with the yew were not the same - probably because I had already undergone a powerful cleansing ritual not long before visiting the tree.

Last weekend I had the opportunity of visiting the Fortingall Yew. It wasn't a planned visit, I was actually up visiting the Scottish Crannog Centre and while there discovered that the Fortingall Yew was only 7 miles away so naturally made a detour to see it. While this beautiful ancient tree is now protected by a wall and railings you can still get close enough to it to touch its outermost branches and it was a privilege to be in the presence of what is described as the oldest living thing in Europe. I didn't reach out to it with anything in particular in mind, I just wanted to say hello. I didn't expect what happened. In a similar way to my experience in Wales energy started to gather within me centred around my heart. I was able to use the wall and railings as support as this energy was pulled out of me again as if I was being sick. Again I physically felt as if I was about to retch and was pulled over towards the wall. This happened twice and it it was pretty powerful both times.

The Fortingall Yew

It seems that there is something within me that the yew tree is cleansing me of, probably emotional in nature I suspect. I had to move further away from the tree for a bit but when I had recovered a little I moved closer and tied a small thread of wool I had handspun earlier that day to a branch as a gift in return for the cleansing.

I am grateful to the yew for these experiences and for what seems to be a purging or cleansing but I wish that the effects of it were a little less physical! I intend to try and fit in a shamanic style journey in the near future to speak to a yew spirit about these experiences as I suspect there is more to be learned.

Maponos - a being of places and times between

2011-08-05T13:20:00.001+01:00

Having read Hilaire's first post on Cernunnos one evening last week on her Musings from Gelli Fach blog I got to thinking about some of the similarities and differences between Cernunnos and Maponos. They both seem to be beings that are found in places between, they both seem to provide a link between the wild and so called civilised culture. I've even wondered if Maponos could be a Brythonic name for Cernuunos and it's something I'm still not sure about.

The most obvious thing which detracts from the similarities between them is the apparent age of these beings. Maponos, particularly in the modern name of Mabon is thought of as a baby or very young child reborn at the winter solstice. Where this idea has come from I'm really not sure because there is nothing really in myth or inscriptions that leads to the idea of him remaining as a child. In fact he is is described as a formidable hunter whose skills are required to hunt the boar Twrch Trwyth in the story of Culhwch and Olwen. The only part about him being a baby is that he was taken from his mother at 3 nights old but there's no indication that it is a child that he is released from his imprisonment. Cernunnos on the other hand always seems to be portrayed as a mature man but as I have said above this idea of Maponos as a child or baby is not one that sticks around if you do your homework.

To my knowledge inscriptions to Cernunnos have only found so far on the continent and not many of them either. Apparently there are four known inscriptions now, described here:http://www.ancientsites.com/aw/Post/233441 (thanks to Seren's comment on Gelli Fach's post).

Inscriptions to Maponos are found in Britain and Gaul with at least four of them linking him to Apollo. Details on these can be found in the article Apollo Maponos by Mary Jones. I was at the museum at Vindolanda (http://www.vindolanda.com/) on Saturday 23 July and in it is a plaque with Maponos in a central position with Apollo on one site and Diana on the other. I'm not sure if this is the one mentioned in Mary Jones' article as being sketched in Anne Ross's Pagan Celtic Britian. Maponos in it is depicted as a man with a short beard and wearing a short cap. (I think it was slightly pointed but can't remember for sure). Only one of the other statues of him depicts him as a youthful god with others depicting him with a beard. From what I have found so far there are no items in particular shown with him. The link to Apollo might be due mainly to the hunter aspect although Maponos also has links to water in both springs and lochs. Lochmaben for example which is thought to be Locus Maponi, mentioned in the Ravena Cosmography, is now a town between three lochs but in the larger of those lochs the remains of crannogs were found so Locus Maponi may have originally between settlements on the lochs rather than between them.

My UPG which has been shared by a couple of others in Brython is that Maponos is to be found in the places and times between. The plaque in the Vindolanda museum seems to back that up in some ways as Maponos is positioned in-between masculine and feminine, solar and lunar as the obvious things that come to mind with Apollo and Diana. From the above it can be seen that he has strong links to hunting too. And my UPG connects him to both roe deer and swans. Again there are a small number of us in Brython who have had experiences of Maponos as a strongly masculine and sensual presence.

In her further posts on Cernunnos Hilaire talks about possible links between Lugus and Cernunnos and I can see similar links between Maponos and Lugus but there are also differences not least of which is the fact that Lugus was associated with Mercury while Maponos was associated with Apollo and in at least one image at Reims Cernunnos was placed between Apollo and Mercury.

All of these deities Cernunnos, Lugus and Maponos seem to be strongly masculine and beings of places and times that are between one extreme and another. Lugus though does seem to have more to do with trade and craftmanship where Maponos seems to be more involved with inspiration, prophecy and dreams. And Cernunnos somehow seems more wild than either Maponos or Lugus to me. Perhaps Cernnunos is an older deity and connected more to the transition between wild and cultured than either of the others. Both Lugus and Maponos seem to be more strongly connected with differing aspects of culture and crafts to me than to the wild.

The more I think about these being the more I see them as separate but related. A team of beings perhaps that can aid us in finding our way between one state and another, between living in a structured culture and touching the wild within us.

Like a voice from beyond

2011-07-14T21:53:00.000+01:00

A couple of days ago I did a shamanic style journey to re-connect with some old guides of mine. One of them told me that I needed to do something more creative, she didn't say what though.

Today my uncle and his wife brought up some things from my grandmother's house for my mum but there were also a few bits for me. An eiderdown, a barely used single bed duvet and a few practically new towels. In addition to that (none of which I was expecting) they brought me some of my grandmothers art supplies and incomplete/rough art work. I had no idea these things were being brought up for me! Grandma started to learn how to draw and paint very late in life and in spite of her eyesight problems she enjoyed it and was pretty good at it. Looking through these things feels like I am being sent a message.

It's never too late to learn something new!

Time flies when you're having fun?

2011-07-06T09:46:00.000+01:00

I think time flies when you are simply busy regardless of the fun aspect and I have been busy. I've been busy with the children ad household chores in the week and I keep busy at weekends visiting places and people. I'm not one to sit around brooding and feeling sorry for myself in general although, like most people, I sometimes fall into that kind of mood too.

Castlerigg at the midsummer weekend was lovely. The place was pretty busy even though we were there fairly early in the day. There was one other person who lingered there as long as we did. He must have decided that when it was just us the place was as quiet as it would get as he approached the outside of the circle and started to empty out some ashes. He didn't say anything to us. I wish he had, we would have given him whatever space he needed or joined him in honouring whoever it was if he wished. As it was I was moved to sing a chant I have sung for those who have recently died. It's a Gaelic Fonn from the Céili Dé and one I learnt from one of the CDs some time ago and the words "Sirim Soillse...Sir...Sir" mean "Seek/ask/yearn for the light" according to their information and while it's not mentioned as used for this sort of thing by the Céili Dé it feels right to me to use it this way. I hope the person casting the ashes felt it was appropriate.

A little while later I saw a rook sitting on the wall of the field the stone circle was in. It seemed to be waiting for me to draw closer and when I did it sat there staring at me. As I looked at it my vision blurred and it seemed to me as if there was something this bird was trying to impart to me but I couldn't understand it at the time. Eventually it flew off towards the north west and as I walked round the area once more before leaving I had a sudden flash of realisation that maybe the message was the spirit of whoever it was that I had sung for saying thank you.

The following day I got to visit Long Meg. The energies at that site were completely different and very powerful. It's a large site and not the easiest to find but close to the road, in fact it has a path running through the site which is a bit of a shame. It's still well worth visiting though.

In between that weekend and now I've also been on outings with the kids including their first camping experience. I must admit to having felt a bit nervous about taking two young children camping by myself even for just the one night especially as I just didn't know how they would react to it all. We went Monday night because the weather was supposed to be good and would probably be getting worse later in the week according to the long range forecasts. I booked a pitch at the Culzean Castle camping site in advance and had picked this site for three reasons. The first was that it's not much over an hour to travel to, the second is that it's in a lovely area and the third is that I had been told that the Camping and Caravanning Club sites are kept to a good standard. I'm not a member yet but many of their sites are open to non-members too and I have to say that I am very impressed so far. The site was very nice with good facilities and the staff there were friendly and helpful. The trip went well and the kids had a lovely time. The rain started coming in a bit earlier Tuesday morning than I had hoped so we didn't stay in the area after breakfast but packed up and came home.

Today, Wednesday, it's raining pretty heavily again but it should be a fairly quiet day. I'm thinking of taking my boy to a film tomorrow afternoon if my parents are ok to look after Rose while we go to the cinema. I don't think she'd sit still in a cinema and the film Rowan wants to see isn't suitable for younger children.

I also have some shamanic style journeying work to do but such things have to wait until the evenings when the kids are in bed and by then I'm often feeling too tired for journeying. And then there's a book on shamanic practices to be read and blog posts to write when I can get a turn on the computer...

It's a busy life :)

Midsummer madness

2011-06-21T14:38:00.002+01:00

On Sunday 19 June I joined the Tuatha de Bridget group for a summer solstice ritual in Pollok Park, Glasgow. It was written by one of our newer members and the first time she had written a full ritual. She did an excellent job and although the sun did not put in an appearance we all had a wonderful time. It was amazing to see so many people literally laughing with joy in the pouring rain.

Central view of the ancient ring fort area in North Woods, Pollok Park

Today as I sit at my computer I look out one yet more rain. It's been raining here nearly all day and I have the overhead light on in the room because it is so dull. This evening at about sunset (22.06 here in Glasgow) I plan to raise a toast to Maponos, the summer sun and solstice and the Brython tribe.

Recently I have come to feel that rain can be symbol of passion and creativity although I have to admit that at the moment I do not feel either passionate or creative but tired and drained of energy.

Next weekend, midsummer, I will be visiting Castlerigg stone circle for the first time and possibly other sites in that area. I wonder if I will see the sun then or not? I wonder if I will experience more of the strange energies of this time of year or whether I will still feel somewhat like a punch bag waiting for the next blow to fall!

Where ever you are and whatever the weather is like for you today I hope the summer solstice is a good one for you.

Brython gathering May 2011

2011-06-03T12:06:00.003+01:00

Six of us gathered in Wales once more. Our host was the Speaker for the Land again, the others were the Lore Keeper, the Word Smith of Taranis, Hearts Counsel, Spirit Walker and myself. All bar the Word Smith gathered on the Friday evening round the fire as we shared mead and talked into the night.

The next morning the Word Smith also joined us and we set off for our first trip. In speaking for the land our host had chosen to take us to a few very different places. The first of them was a cave of awakening by a river. We had to wade or balance on stepping stones to cross the cold flowing waters. I chose to cross on the mossy stones but barefoot with my trousers rolled up in case I lost my balance. I didn't fall thanks to the help I received but my feet did get very cold. The water was so high that it was almost impossible to actually get to the cave and none of us felt the need to enter there so badly that we wished to risk a fall or a soaking in the pool in front of the cave. It is a peaceful and healing place to visit even with the roar of the waterfall by the cave.

Next our host took us to another river above the village of Dolgarrog. This river has a different personality altogether. We stopped by another pool with a waterfall roaring into it and rocks you can sit on beside it. As I clambered onto them I slipped and fell oddly wrenching my left thumb. It doesn't sound like much of an injury but the joint at the base of my thumb is still hurting almost a week later. This seems to be a river that takes and gives pain. I did want to release something there myself but wasn't expecting the price extracted first.

In a sheltered area among the rocks I took out what I wanted to burn with the others perched on the rocks around me. I borrowed a knife from the Word Smith and first shredded the item into snaller strips of cloth. In doing so I began to release some of the pain I had been holding in. A few twigs were also passed to me and a lighter. The others were a bit concerned that the fire wouldn't light or not burn well but that was not the case at all. As the flames devoured the cloth I began to calm. Just as the last flames were beginning to die away it came into my head that I could use a short bit of branch that was also there to crush the remaining fragments and just as I picked up the stick the last flame died away. I pounded the remains into smaller fragments and mixed them with the gravel there. When the river is in spate that area is covered in water and the river will wash the remaining fragments away in time. Then I went to the waters edge and washed my face in the cold waters of that pool.

The Pool

While I never said it aloud I was aware the whole time that the spirits of that place had given me pain, perhaps to help me release other things, but they had also provided just the right place, just the right things, the right conditions and there is no doubt in my mind that they accepted what I wanted to release given how well things burnt. As I washed my face in the waters I silently thanked them for the release and asked for healing from the cool waters. Just as we left the rocks, about to walk on down to the valley I asked the others to pause a bit. I needed to thank them all for being with me and supporting me. In the last two years these men have witnessed and supported me through some very personal and profound experiences and I am deeply grateful to them all for their care. The last thing I did before we left that place was to turn to the area for a last look and to once more silently express my thanks to the spirits there. It is a place of pain, yes, but pain too can be cleansing.

On we walked down towards the valley. It's a lovely walk through trees and round rocks and the beauty of the place was very soothing. We visited the amazing ruins of an old village. There are trees growing in what once would have been cottages. I don't have the words to describe the strange beauty of that place but it is a place where the otherworld feels very close. There is a yew tree growing near by that called to me. I'd been there before and it took something from me on that occaision although I don't know what. This time it felt like being gently enfolded in a loving embrace. I stood there for a bit while the others were examining the ruins, Spirit Walker keeping a quiet watch on me and before I left I poured out some water as a thanks.

Ruins in the Woods

At the bottom of the walk we headed to a local pottery. It's owned and run by two lovely people and it's another magical place. There's a home made water feature in the garden where a length of pipe fills with water and then pours out into a pool, that pool in turn has a little waterfall into another pool where there is something that strikes a little bell against a rock when the surge of extra water flows over it. There are ceramic wind chimes hanging from the trees around the pottery and a large stone with a coiled snake carved onto it as if basking there. The place itself has the most amazing window frames and it's all done by hand.

The Pottery

The show room is a little Aladdin's cave of wonders. Goblets, bowls, teapots, lamps decorated with coiled dragons, green man plaques, more wind chimes and lots of other beautiful things. I was incredibly tempted to buy myself an incense holder for joss sticks but didn't feel I could really afford it, then Hearts Counsel brought it for me. Isn't that just wonderful of him :)

Aladdin's Cave

So we returned to the cars after a lovely walk and headed back to the tents after stopping to buy food for the evening meal. By this time I was feeling drained and in need to a rest so I napped for a while and the others chatted.

Later the fire was lit and food was cooked and shared. Sausages, burgers, fishcakes, rolls, tomatoes, strawberries, mini flapjacks and more mead and beer were shared. The Speaker for the Land's family also joined us and it was lovely to see the children playing in the woods in the evening light. Once more we sat round the fire talking into the night before retiring to our tents to sleep.

The weather the next day was threatening rain and we had decided the night before to visit the Great Orme Mines so we set off late morning for this amazing and strange place. The area open to the public is only a tiny fragment of this mine but it is enough to amaze you. And yet at the same time I found this to be a very uncomfortable place to visit. The information there quite clearly states that many of the mined passages are very small and that young children must have been the ones to mine them. Personally I found the place to have an atmosphere of dispair, a sense of spirits who had been sleeping now being awoken once more and they did not feel happy. So far human remains have not been found there but it's a big place and much more of it is still to be excavated. I'd be surprised it they don't find some in there somewhere. It is worth visiting but as I say personally I found it a very uncomfortable place and I'm not at all claustrophobic so it couldn't have been that.

We went to the remains of a hill fort on the top of the Great Orme for a better look at the weather, then went to get food and go for another walk. This time into the woods near where we were camped and to another area of hill fort remains. Our host led us along animal tracks, up and over moss covered rocky outcrops, weaving through the trees until we came to this site. This place felt peaceful and yet also full of energy to me. I was drawn across it towards an oak tree growing on the other side of the fort area outside the remains of the surrounding wall. At the foot of the tree as if waiting for visitors was a clear area just perfect to sit in, so I did. For a while I just sat there and listened, let the peace of the place fill me. Then I began to sing. Softly at first, wordlessly offering my voice, letting the song rise in me as it would. I started swaying a little as I sat there too, seeing energies rising before me like a heat haze but the day wasn't that hot.

Spirit Walker came and knelt behind me, silently offering support and strength. As he did the song rose more strongly and my voice rang out. As I sang I could hear overtones and harmonics echoing through me, piercingly high in my skull. Then the song died down, faded away. I don't know what the others heard of that wordless song, whether they could hear the overtones I heard and felt or not. It doesn't really matter as the land about me would have heard and felt them. I offered my voice and something accepted and for a while we sang together.

Me walking through the hill fort

After that we rejoined the others and walked back through the woods to a main footpath. There our party split up, some to visit another site and myself and Spirit Walker to get fuel for the evening fire. I was too tired for another walk by that stage and drained by all I had experienced over the weekend.

Later in the afternoon we all came together again and sat at a veiwing point near the tents. The weather had cleared and brightened and we sat talking of Brython and enjoying the views across the valley until it was time to go a light the fire once more and prepare food. Some time later baked potatoes were our dinner and a last bottle of mead was shared among us. The next morning we would be packing up and leaving but for a while longer we had time to be with each other, to talk, to share, to connect.

My journey home the next day went well although it rained for much of the time. It's a long trip but not a difficult one and well worth making. I really am getting very fond of that area of North Wales.

The slender threads that connect those of us that were gathered together are stronger now. The places we have visited together, the food, the laughter, the time spent in each other's company. These things bring us more strongly together as a community.

And for me the strength and support I have felt offered so generously, the caring, the simple warmth of companionship, of freindship as I went through emotional journeys as well as physical ones. These are gifts beyond price and I consider myself truly blessed to have received them.

All photos in the above post courtesy of RedRaven.

So how did I do it?

2011-05-16T11:36:00.001+01:00

That's the question several people have asked me. How did I go about losing all that weight?

And here's my secret. I made the choice to do it for me, to take control and stop letting my appetite for food and my inclination to comfort eat control me. That's it, something that is both very simple and very difficult to do. I made a decision to take control and I was determined to stick to it.

I'd made a couple of attempts at losing a bit of weight in the past and had been reasonable successful at the time but hadn't really taken control or kept things going longer term. Neither had I ever tried to lose as much as I wanted to lose this time. I'd even set myself targets and rewards on a previous occasion but never really got going on it. Then in late autumn 2009 I took a look at myself and accepted I was not just overweight, I was clinially obese and I needed to take control and sort this out for my sake and for my children's sake.

I had already decided a long time ago that I simply don't do fad diets. I won't give up anything completly. What's the point in giving something you like up? You only make yourself miserable and start craving it even more. What I needed to do was simply eat less and more healthily too.

It's pretty well known that the average female should have about 2000 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight. Medical advice on weight loss is clear that in order to loose weight at a safe and steady level you need to have about a 500-600 calorie deficit so I set myself a daily target of 1500 calories at most and preferably a little less than that (1200 - 1400 calories is what I usually aimed for) and I started learning more about calories in food in order to stick to it. So bascially I calorie count. That is the method I chose based on medical guidelines on obesity and safe weight loss.

I also gradually added in more exercise to help increase my metabolism and firm up muscles as my weight reduced. I was under no illusions that exercise was going to be the key to further weight loss, it can help yes, but it is not the key to weight loss, what you eat is the key. What exercise does do is get those feel good endorphins flowing round your system which improves your mood. Even GPs will prescribe exercise for those suffering from depression for that very reason. And if you feel better about yourself it's that bit easier to stick to reduced portions and strict calorie allowances when it's getting tougher. And make no mistake there were plenty of days that I felt hungry and miserable and ate more than I should have done but I was determined to do this for my future health.

The other thing I used was a touch of self hypnosis or self affirmations if you like. Particularly in the early stages of the weight loss I would settle down to sleep repeating to myself that "I will and can lose weight" and "I can and will control my diet".

I set myself a series of rewards for reaching certain weight targets as added incentives. The blue streak was for reaching 85kg, the tattoo was reaching 80kg AND staying at that weight or better for three months or more. The final target I set myself was 75kg which puts me into the overweight catagory in terms of BMI and I had trouble coming up with a reward for that but in the end I decided that having to replenish your wardrobe almost completely was reward enough. Yes, I'd got a few new clothes along the way but this was a major clothes shop including going to a decent lingerie shop to be measures and fitted for nice new bras and they don't come cheap!

The bits of boasting I've done here in the past and the supportive comments I have received here and from colleagues at work have also been a great help in keeping me going.

As it happens I am now a little bit under 75 kg and staying pretty steadily at my current weight which is a size 14 clothing wise and that's plenty good enough for me. I still calorie count but I allow myself a few more indulgencies. I have not increased my daily calorie allowance to 2000 as for me I think that would result in weight increase again but I am a bit more relaxed about daily totals. On average though I'm eating about 1600 calories on most days now with some days being a touch more and some a touch less. That seems to be a pretty good maintenance level for me at the moment.

I still get the urge to comfort eat and indeed have succumbed to that urge sometimes. I don't think that will change but I now know that I can control things long term and if I have a bad day or even a bad week I can and will take control again.

So there you have it, the secret and methods of how I did it. And the key to it all was that I made the decision to lose weight for my own sake, to be healthier and fitter for myself and for my children. I decided to take control and once I made that decision it was simply a matter of doing it.

How I've changed!

2011-05-08T21:37:00.000+01:00

Arran Summer 2009

Center Parcs Summer 2010

Wales Spring 2011

Halls of Waiting - a modern myth

2011-05-06T21:51:00.000+01:00

It came to pass that those who entered the Halls of Belatonos each year with Rigantona began to wait in the area outside the gates of bone rather than wander the lands beyond and beneath. In time they began to tend that land outside the walls of Belatonos. Meanwhile in the Land above and beyond people began to forget that their dead needed to pay a price to enter the halls of Belatonos and more and more were turned away from the gates of bone.

The first ones who had entered with Rigantona for the dark time of the year went to Belatonos and agreed with him that they would raise some of his cattle outside his walls and in return some of the livestock would be theirs to keep. And so it was that in time the Halls of Waiting were formed. And those who were turned away from the gates of bone began to live more and more in the Halls of Waiting. There were some who chose to stay in these Halls of Waiting always to guide and advise others who came there. Some chose to enter the Halls of Belatonos each year with Rigantona and live the other part of the year in the Halls of Waiting. Still others chose the path of rebirth after a time in the Halls of Waiting.

So it was that while the Halls of Belantonos remained the same, the Halls of Waiting grew and changed.

Seidr – The gate is open by Katie Gerrard

2011-04-14T09:34:00.002+01:00

I’ve just finished reading this book and have been very impressed by it. I am not heathen or a seidr worker and I wouldn’t call myself a shamanic practitioner either but I do have some knowledge of all of these paths. I have read this book from the perspective of one who is learning more about trance techniques for both journeying and possession in order to develop further along my own path.

In this book Katie gives a lovely balance of information drawn from the primary sources of the Eddas and Sagas, secondary sources and her own personal experiences. She is clear about what aspects of her practices are drawn from sources and which from experimentation. She gives examples of a range of rites and includes some good common sense information about safety and precautions during and after these rites.

The whole tone of her book is that of someone sharing what they do to help others to find ways forward in their own paths. I found it to be very well written and enjoyable to read. I am grateful to Katie for sharing so much of her own personal journey in writing this book.

Finding the way to the realm of the dead

2011-04-12T15:16:00.001+01:00

Last week I did a shamanic style journey with the intention of trying to take the first steps into the realm of the dead. I wasn't intending to go in far, just an initial exploratory journey to see if I could make it there at all.

It was successful in some ways and yet has also shown me that I need to do further work elsewhere before I attempt to return. I have discovered that while Thunderer can and will come into the cave and down the passage to the realm of the dead with me he will not cross the bridge. Not only that but I have learnt that I may not cross that bridge myself unless I am riding one who can carry me there or am wearing protection. To me as the name of the person crossing is etching into that mighty bronze span they are bound in some way to that land so if I cross without the right protection I will not return without losing something of myself.

Before we went down to the realm of the dead Thunderer did lead me to another who can and will guide me there and for this first short trip was willing to let me ride on his back but it's been made clear to me that he won't allow that often. So I did get to cross the bridge and stand briefly on the other side. In the distance in one direction I could see high walls with gates of bones. There were other things in other directions but I could not see them clearly. The light there to me was that of dusk or twilight with the reddish glow of a setting or rising sun and it's difficult to see details in that sort of light. I didn't go much further than the other side of the bridge and soon returned. To me also the black river maybe wide but it's also far below the bridge in a deep chasm.

I have been told who it is I must seek out to gain the right protection to travel further and it's not a being I have a relationship with at the present. I know of him but if I am to go back to that realm I must seek him out and ask him for protection. That may well come with a price too.

Spring

2011-03-23T10:25:00.000Z

Finally it feels as if spring has truly arrived here in Glasgow. The weather is milder, buds are swollen on the trees and some are even beginning to burst open. At last daffodils are beginning to flower although crocuses have been out a bit longer. I've even seen a little bit of blossom out on the cherry trees in the park near my work.

For me personally, this time of year, centered on the spring equinox, is laden with meaning and significance. It was at spring equinox years ago that I first made a committment to being Pagan. It was at spring equinox the following year that I did my Bardic initiation rite with the Order of Bards Ovates and Druids and in following years I have continued this personal spiritual tradition with other initiation rites. I don't mean that I have done such things every year by any means but, more often than not ,when I have undergone rituals of this nature they have been in the spring. (I'm not an active OBOD member now but still my roots are with them.)

This time of year remains laden with memories of new beginnings, fresh starts and committments. And this year is no different. My life has been changing over the last few months with some intense emotional upheavals and major personal changes. Change on this scale brings both death and rebirth. As the land about me moves forwards more fully into the spring it is renewal and rebirth that I begin to focus on more and more.

Last weekend I was out in Pollok Park in Glasgow with others in the Glasgow Pagan community celebrating the equinox and as part of that open ritual there was be a baby naming and blessing for the youngest daughter of a couple I had the priviledge of handfasting in 2009. What better way to add to those memories of new beginnings and fresh starts than with the blessing of a new life? Many blessings for your future little Amelié.

As the spring moves on I hope the seeds of change that were planted in my life in the darkness of this winter will begin to grow and flourish.

Meet Katy

2011-03-06T21:46:00.000Z

On Saturday I went to a Vauxhall dealer in Glasgow and test drove a diesel Corsa. She is in excellent condition and driving her felt good. My dad was with me so he had a good look at her too and neither of us could find anything wrong with her. So next Saturday I get to go and pick her up!

Katy is going to make my life much easier and her colour is just perfect for me too. Couldn't believe it at the time, kept looking for something to be wrong but it wasn't.

When the student is ready...

2011-02-28T21:16:00.000Z

My mum has often said that "when the student is ready the master will appear".

For well over a year now I have wanted to learn more about shamanic style journeying and trance work. This urge strengthened considerably after a ritual experience where I hosted the Cailleach. Hosting her in itself was ok but the ritual wasn't wonderfully well organised and there was no formal way of thanking her or saying farewell. As she left she pulled me with her part of the way before letting go and the aftermath of this experience was difficult for me. At the time I did have support from Little Raven and Jenny and both of them were a great help.

Afterwards Jenny put me in touch with a seidr worker M of many years experience who lives in Edinburgh. I had met him briefly before and he had also been at the ritual. More importantly he was and still is willing to help me. He was also willing to teach me techniques that would help me in the future but at that time life prevented me from doing more than communicating with him via email and reading up on shamanism.

About six months after the ritual I felt the need to travel to the Cailleach to seek forgiveness for my part in that ritual. I discussed my plans via email with M and as I wasn't able to visit him he kindly did the spiritual equivalent of a health check for me at my request before I journeyed to the Cailleach. The journey didn't turn out the way I had thought it would be but it was immensely helpful to me.

Since that time I have been undergoing a number of changes. One of those changes has meant that I now have more time at weekends to do other things and I've finally been able to visit M.

I spent a wonderful day with him in Edinburgh. We talked abut a few things including what I hoped to learn and what I had experienced so far. He taught me about a technique that day and I had my first experience of journeying to a drum. The next day I was able to use that technique in a journey for a friend. And this new area of development for me does not end there. As well as having time free on weekends myself, M also has free time appearing on some of his weekends so I will be able to visit again and learn more from him.

I feel very fortunate to be able to have this opportunity and Jenny has my deepest thanks for putting me in touch with him.

Brigantica

2011-02-06T11:07:00.000Z

Yesterday evening along with members of Brython across the land I celebrated the feast day of Brigantia which in Brython we are now calling Brigantica. As I was at my parents I invited them to join with me for this celebration and it was really good to be able to share this with others face to face as well as knowing that in different places others in Brython were doing very similar things at a similar time.

This afternoon I head to Pollok Park for an open Imbolc ritual run by the Tuatha de Bridget group. That group is led by my parents and I have been a part of it since it began. I'm looking forward to seeing various folk there.

I've always liked this time of year for the promise of spring but this year it means more to me. My life is changing. I am forging a new path for myself and my family. It's hard and painful at times but I believe it is the right path to take. So this year I mark the ending of an old way of life and a beginning of a new one and I look forward to the coming spring in my own life.

Wherever you are and whatever you are doing may Brigantia bless you, your home and your loved ones at this time and for the year ahead.

Storms easing

2011-01-22T10:54:00.000Z

While I still have many difficulties ahead of me for the next couple of years the worst of the storm now seems to be easing.

There has been damage and pain but new patterns will emerge and long term I am convinced things will be better for all.

I am truly grateful for all the support I have received and continue to receive.

Storms

2011-01-10T15:48:00.000Z

Just when you think all is calm and well another storm shatters! This is a time of great changes for me on several levels. I know I have the strength to get through the current storms but it's going to be hard for a while - possibly the next few years. And the current storm will echo across my whole family.

May the gods guide me well.

Boasting time!

2010-12-26T15:44:00.001Z

I can officially announce that I have now made my final weight loss target. I currently weigh 74.9 kg which is 11 stone 11lbs.

As regular readers will know I started loosing weight just over a year ago and when I began I weighed in at 99kg or 15 stone 8lbs. I have lost a total of 24kgs (52.8 lbs). I've also lost 8 inches round my waist, 6 inches round my hips and 5.5 inches round my bust.

I'm fitter than I've been for years and feeling really good about it. Now all I need is more new clothes!

Oh and as some of you know already I also have a new tattoo. This is partially a reward for reaching 80 kgs and staying there or better for three months but it also turned into something of a marker for a rite of passage for me. I had it done on 16th Dec and today is the formal unveiling.

My lovely new tattoo!

Of course the work doesn't end here. I need to maintain my weight at this level or even loose a little more but I've done it. Just me! No fancy diets, no appetite suppressing supplements, no clubs. Just the support I have received from friends and colleagues and my own determination. Having got this far I have every confidence that I can keep this up but I know I will need to continue to work at it.

In the meantime I'm basking in the glow of my success! And boasting about it :)

New mood, new look

2010-12-12T15:08:00.000Z

Things have been difficult for me recently as some of you will know. This was reflected to some extent in the colours and images I chose for the blog last time I updated the look.

Fortunately I'm now feeling much brighter and although things are still wintery there's more blue skies about and the summit is in sight. So a brighter look here too.

Rigantona’s song

2010-11-30T14:50:00.002Z

Oh my heart,

As my mother and sister weeps

Her white tears across the mourning land.

As the winds howl and shriek,

And the sun draws back.

I am reborn from your love.

My fertility lies dying in your walls of bone

And I pay your price with joy in my heart.

For in your arms I am awakened once more.

The land will bloom again.

Oh my heart,

Fill me with your love.

Let me embrace you once more.

The land may mourn but I know joy!

Let me lie in your arms

‘Til my children sing me home.

Love and Dreams - In honour of Maponos

2010-11-24T11:07:00.001Z

From time to time I attempt to write poetry. Occaisonally I think it's good enough to share. This isn't one of those times but I'm sharing anyway. This isn't the first version of this as I started working on it in September. So those of you with far more skill than I with words, please be gentle with any comment you feel moved to make. I'm not sharing this because I think it's good but because I feel I must.

Love and Dreams - In honour of Maponos

In my dreams, my fantasies
I lie in your embrace.
I dream you are my lover and
I gaze upon your face.

Your eyes are dark, like mountain pools
You find by cliffs of stone.
In their depths a mystery
That maybe I’ll be shown.

But you are lord of dreams and song,
Of healing and the sun.
You are not bound by human form
And your embrace would stun.

And still I reach towards you
My fantasies I clutch.
I lay myself before your eyes,
Dream of a lover’s touch.

Do you dream, have fantasies?
What lies in your embrace?
Do you care what words I use
To seek to know your face?

Are my dreams and thoughts enough
To give you face and form?
Is the love within my heart
Enough to heal this storm?

These words they don’t come easily
Although they’re in your praise.
I want to rest within your strength,
To heal beneath your gaze.

Autumn 2010

Druid Network membership - the decision

2010-11-18T12:48:00.000Z

As I posted about about trying to work out whether or not to renew my membership to the Druid Network I thought it only fair to post about my decision and the reasoning behind it.

My main concerns were over the last statement of being a positive expression of druidry and I've had feedback on this blog, on the Druid Network Forum and sent to me personally. I'm grateful for all the comments received.

My decision has been to renew membership and these are my reasons in no particular order.

Dreamguardian asked me what I get out of being a member and what, if any, is the point of my membership. Being a member of the Druid Network does give me a connection to a different aspect of the wider pagan community and it's a community I have been a part of for a long time. It's also one that I have made friends in and learnt from. I wouldn't be at the place I am now in my personal path without the interactions I had on the Druid Network Forums. I value that community and having learnt so much from the people within it I feel a responsibility to do what I can to continue to share my experiences and points of view with those within that community. I'm also one of the few Scottish members of TDN and as I am also a member of the Pagan Federation Scotland Council I feel that my ongoing membership of both groups benefits members of each group and other pagans in Scotland because I can provide a communication link between these groups and individuals.

However, this alone was not enough for me to decide to renew. My biggest question was still about being a positive expression of druidry and it was a comment on the Druid Network forum that helped me to look at this in another way.

I do not consider myself to be a druid or even following druidry as a path but I did once. My previous experiences and learning can not be simply cast aside.

To use a metaphor if druidry is an orchard with tangled roots deep in the unseen earth and branches reaching out in many directions I'm one of the fruits that has dropped off, rolled down a hill and started sprouting with a bunch of other fruits. I'm growing in a different orchard now, nourished by new soil and developing with others but my life began on another tree.

If I am a positive expression of what I am now then I think I must also be a positive expression of what I learnt in my past.

So I have renewed my membership to the Druid Network and I hope to continue to be a positive expression of all that I am and have been.

Vivid dream - Field trips

2010-11-11T10:27:00.000Z

This morning I woke up from one of the most vivid dreams I have had for a long time. I was part of a large group of people being prepared to go on a field trip to some far off and possibily dangerous place. We were split into smaller groups for a team building/training exercise in the hills somewhere. It could have been Scotland or Wales from the type of terrain and flora I was seeing in this dream. Hills and rocky gullys with heathers, brackens and long wet grasses with some shrubby wind swept trees dotted around. Each group as well as camping equipment, food and some drinking water was issued with a number of samples we had to keep safe on the exercise. Most of these were plants but my group also had some sort of weird red globe thing that had legs like a spider and when it moved made me jump and give a little shriek to the amusement of the others in the group. Needless to say I wasn't entrusted with any samples to carry :)

Each group had a route to follow and rough map. We were all told there was something to investigate along the way but not what and off we went into the hills.

The group I was with came up towards a large house in the middle of nowhere. A dog came down towards us and made a fuss of us with a lot of barking. It was a smallish dog with a short coat and a curly tail (from some pictures I've just been looking at I'd say it was probably a pug or pug cross-breed). Anyway this dog clearly wanted someone to let it into the house so the others continued on and I was asked to try and find the owner of the property and let them know we were aorund and would be camping nearby if that was ok with them. I went in and found the owner in a large kitchen. The person was under what seemed to be a large stove or range clearly doing some sort of maintenance and was wearing a grey overall and black wellies. Next to them on a shelf in the bottom of this stove was a tray of dog biscuits of various shapes and colours including charcoal ones. The person slid out and stood up, it was a fairly tall rangy looking woman with shoulder length grey hair in a bob style. She seemed to have been expecting us and was perfectly happy for us to camp near by. She told me that there were some ruins near by which we may want to look at. I asked if they have been excavated by archaeologists before and she said they had. I them asked if there were copies of any notes kept in the house and she smiled and said there were and that we would be welcome to come and look through things.

From the kitchen window I could see the edge of some ruins up the hill a little and I could see that the others in the group had found them and were already looking round. I went out the back door towards the ruins and the rest of the group and passed on the news that the owner was happy for us to stay and that there were things to look at inside. As I got closer I could see that the ruins looked to be Roman but with some odd statues.

At that point the alarm clock went off and I woke up.

I've never been on a field trip anywhere so have no idea if anything I was doing was even vaguely realistic. The detail in the dream was very odd. I've not had anything like that for a long time and I've come to expect that on the rare occasions when I do get dreams that vivid there is some kind of message within them although there maybe something much simpler at work in this case.

There was only one other person in that dream that I recognised and that was Lee who is shortly about to travel off to far off climes on a field trip. So if there's a message in that dream maybe it was just that I'm thinking of him and hoping it all goes well.

All very odd though.

Time for a new look

2010-11-10T11:19:00.000Z

And I'm feeling a bit wintery, just like the weather up here.

Druid Network membership - to renew or not?

2010-11-07T22:57:00.001Z

I'm posting this here because I want opinions. I know that some of you that may be reading this have strong feelings about the Druid Network but I am asking that you put those feelings aside as much as possible and help me come to a decision about whether or not to renew my own membership to the Druid Network.

The terms of membership include the following words:

"As a member, you are asked to :

- respect the beliefs and practices of other members, even when their way seems very different from your own
- refrain from aggressive, judgmental or otherwise offensive behaviour or language towards other members
- be a positive expression of Druidry and The Druid Network"

I've no major problem with the first one as I strive to behave with respect towards those with different opinions to myself even if I do think they are nuts. I've no problems about the second one as I try not to offend people generally although I guess any time you express an opinion you are making a judgement on something. I' even think I can be a positive expression of the Druid Network as although I may not agree with everything they do on the whole I think they do a good job and if I'm a member I'm not going to be slagging them off. But I have to question whether I can be a positive expression of Druidry? If this is assumed to be Druidry as currently defined by the constitution then I guess I can do this as the definition is broad enough to include just about anyone but that isn't stated. I don't consider myself to be a druid. I don't consider my current practices to be Druidry so how can I be a positive expression of it?

Can I in honour renew membership to an organisation that asks me these things? Or am I just nit-picking here? I'm pretty sure that the trustees of the network wouldn't have a problem with me renewing but that's not the point. The point is can I do so given my own feelings about my path now?

Comments and opinions appreciated. I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do but I do need help in working through this and coming to a decision.

Druid Network Conference

2010-11-05T12:32:00.000Z

In a couple of weeks time I will be flying down to Birmingham for the Druid Network conference on Saturday 20th November.

I'm going to do a slightly shorter version of the talk I did at PaganCon in Glasgow earlier this year: Building relationships with Deity. I figured if I was going to go I might as well do something too :)

I'm really looking forward to it because there will be other speakers there that I want to hear and spend a bit of time with including Robin Herne, Red Raven and Brochfael. I'm also looking forward to it because it's a day and overnight stay away from home. A nice little break for me.

This is a first for the Druid Network and it will be interesting to see how they manage it and how it compares to other conferences I have been to over the years.

Devotions to Maponos

2010-10-29T23:53:00.000+01:00

I wrote before about plans for devotions in honour of Maponos. I had some lovely experiences visiting a local nature reserve and the ponds there. I made offerings of breadcrumbs to the wildlife and birds around the ponds and I spent a bit of time each visit clearing rubbish from the area. On the first visit I saw a fox and a pair of roe deer (one stag and one doe I think although they were in the distance a bit so I'm not sure). On the second visit a roe deer stag stepped out on the path a little way ahead of me when I was starting to walk home. He paused and looked straight at me for what felt like a few minutes before walking on. On a third visit there were two swans in the pond, possibly a pair but I'm not sure.

When I couldn't make it to the nature reserve pond or a pond in another park I made offerings in the back garden but it didn't feel the same.

About three of weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I needed to do something else that was easier to fit in regardless of weather and family commitments. The problem was that I couldn't think of anything. Then suddenly it came to me - a cold finish to a shower. So the next Sunday after I had washed my hair and enjoyed a nice hot shower I braced myself and turned the temperature down. I did not like this! Each time I turned to allow the cold water to reach another part of me I gasped. I couldn't take much of it the first time probably less than a minute but the second week I forced myself to remain in the cold water for a slow count of 60. The third week I stayed under a little bit longer. My aim is to work up to three to five minutes in cold water but just on Sundays.

Why cold water showers? Well among other possible attributes for Maponos are healing and links to pools. Most natural pools are cold and cold water therapy is recognised to have beneficial effects on the immune system. Plus I'm not that keen on doing it which for me makes the offering stronger. And doing this on Sundays links to the solar attributes of Maponos. To be honest given the way it occurred to me and how it makes me feel I also think he may find it amusing.

So there you are a simple and highly personal way to honour Maponos - I wonder if it will catch on ;)

I've grown up!

2010-10-26T20:29:00.000+01:00

As regular readers will know I suffer from being too short for my weight. Today I learnt that I'm actually 3 centimetres taller than I thought I was. While that doesn't sound like much it does make a difference to the dreaded BMI results. Most importantly it changes the level at which I drop a category by two whole kilogrammes (that's 4.4 lbs)!

Celebrating family achievements

2010-10-06T23:13:00.002+01:00

I got some wonderful news today. My step-dad Piet has been sent a contract from a publisher for his first book! It's called The Daughters of Danu and he never really thought it would be published. The book started off as one short story that he wrote a few years ago as an exercise, to see if he could. The short story grew and through an odd set of circumstances he has been guided through the process of submitting it for publication. Earlier today he received an email saying they wanted to publish it and attaching a contract for signing.

I am so very pleased for him!

Reflecting on my harvests

2010-09-23T23:11:00.000+01:00

I don't grow fruit or veg in our garden, most of it is grass although we do have a small flower bed area. I do have a couple of lavender bushes and some of that gets harvested for assorted uses but that's not really my harvest. My harvests tend to be more in the achievement of goals and targets that I set myself.

Back in February I wrote about some decisions I had made about changes I was trying to make. I had put these into three areas of Mind, Body and Spirit and at sporadic intervals I've posted a few bits and pieces of updates. At this stage I have decided to do a full reflection on what I have done so far.

Mind
I wrote in February of my intention to continue learning Scottish Gaelic (Gàidhlig). I completed the second beginners course at work but since then there haven't been any further courses freely available at work. I had planned to try and keep my hand in with the BBC course Beag air Bheag but I haven't managed to do this. So while I can now manage a couple of basic conversational exchanges on the whole I do not feel that I have achieved what I had hoped in this area. I haven't totally given up though.

Body
My plans in this area were to continue to loose weight and to get fitter as well. In this area I feel I have been very successful. Since February I have lost about 15 kg in weight, I didn't record my weight at that point so I'm not certain what stage I was at. What I can say is that since I started loosing weight I have lost 22kg (that's 48.4 lbs or just about 3 and a half stone). I've also lost 6.5 inches round my waist, 4.5 inches round my hips, and 4.5 inches round my bust since late January.

I completed the classes in Body Balance and Belly dancing and when they stopped I kept exercising. Up until two weeks ago I was doing one class and also going swimming every week. In the last two weeks I've added a new class and I'm thinking of switching the swimming for another cardiovascular activity for the winter months.

I've still not reached my final weight target but it's looking as if I will manage to by the Winter Solstice and possibly before that. I haven't been this light or healthy since my early twenties so I feel pretty good about this and have discovered that I do have a touch of vanity lurking within me after all. There's a big mirror on one of the landings of the building I work in and I keep stopping in front of it and admiring myself!

Spirit
Under this section I didn't really talk about targets as such but about things I was just beginning to do. I have continued to carry out lunar devotions at full moon to the Goddesses Brigantia, Rigantona and the Cailleach and at dark moon to my ancestors. For three moons after Calan Mai I felt that honouring the Cailleach didn't fit but I think that was a height of summer thing as last moon it felt right to honour her again.

In addition to my lunar observances, a few weeks ago I started with a weekly observance for Maponos. I've had some odd experiences connected with this that I will write about later. I have become convinced that what I am trying to do each week is going down well with either Maponos, a local spirit or a combination of both.

I've also come to some conclusions about past experiences in meditative journeys and shamanic style practices. I may well write more about this later although I'm not sure if I will at the moment. Some of it is hard to put into words.

Since February I've also been able to resolve a few things that were troubling me thanks to the support of members of Brython.

Conclusions
All in all I think my harvests have been pretty good. I've not had success with everything but that's life. I am particularly pleased with my physical improvements as I expect you can tell :)

Remembrance

2010-09-11T16:29:00.002+01:00

On this day nine years ago I sat in an armchair with my 10 day old son at my breast watching the shocking events that took place in America unfold.

Two years ago I sat in a church in Mendlesham, Suffolk for the requiem mass for my beloved Grandfather George Frederick Leighton Potter O.B.E.

Last year I sat in the same church for the requiem mass for my maternal grandmother Pauline Elizabeth Potter.

This year I remember...

Building relationships with Deity talk

2010-09-09T23:13:00.000+01:00

At the last PaganCon on 4 September 2010 I did a talk on building relationships with deity. As readers will know I had some problems putting this talk together but in the end managed to put together a reasonable PowerPoint presentation and talk. I didn't write any notes for this talk, I used the slides I had put together as a guide for what I wanted to say and then just spoke from my heart.

I spoke about the stages of relationships using information from Wikipedia on the model of relationship development proposed by psychologist George Levinger. The stages given are:

–

Acquaintance
Buildup
Continuation
Deterioration
Termination.

I suggested that building relationships with deities follows exactly the same relationship stages and gave examples for each stage using my own experiences in forming relationships with both the Cailleach and Maponos. I talked about using different sources of information such as literature and mythology, archaeology and place names to learn about any given deity and build up a relationship. I went on to suggest that continuing relationships with deities involves making a commitment of some kind. Just as you need to work on continuing a relationship with a person by making commitments at some level whether that be meeting for lunch on a regular basis or phoning them once in a while so you need to work at continuing a relationship with a deity. I gave examples of making commitments to gods including making regular devotions, continuing to learn about them and making pilgrimages. I stressed that in communications with deities most of us were not likely to get clear communication in return so it can seem a bit one sided at times but that personally I found more subtle responses in natural events around me.

I finished the talk by touching lightly on the final two stages of relationships and stated that if a relationship with a deity did deteriorate I felt it was best to try and end things with honour and respect.

I took a couple of questions and then before I left the stage I demonstrated one of the ways in which I connect with my deities by singing one of the songs I have crafted. The one that felt right was "For the Gods of our tribe."

Happily the talk seemed to go down very well and I've had some lovely feedback with a couple of people saying I helped them over a rut on their own paths by helping them to look at things in a different way.

The rest of the day went well too although I was absolutely shattered by the end of it.

Building relationships with Deity

2010-08-19T09:47:00.001+01:00

I foolishly threw the above suggestion at my mum for a title for a talk at PaganCon when she twisted my arm into doing a talk as well as helping out on the day.

Problem is while I have a few ideas of things I could say none of it at the moment is coming together. It's all fragmented bits.

One thing I thought I could talk about a little is the stages in developing relationships of any kind. Another is to use some examples from my own efforts to develop a stronger relationship with a particular deitiy. In the past I've talked about Epona or the Cailleach but I don't want to do that this time. This time I think talking about my developing relationship with Maponos would be better but I'm still not sure what to say and how to say it.

Any thoughts, ideas or suggestions you might have would be welcome.

A bit of boasting

2010-08-11T12:06:00.000+01:00

Some of you will know that I suffer from the fate of being too short for my weight and that for a while now I have been working on loosing weight.

Yesterday evening I purchased a couple of tops in a size 16 for work because a fair amount of my clothing is now looking much too big for me. I can't even remember when I could last wear a size 16. Today I am wearing one of my new tops and I look good! I've had compliments from a few folk at work so it's not just my own vanity. And of course knowing I look good makes me feel even better.

I've still not reached my final target weight but I am getting there!

Weekly devotions in honour of Maponos

2010-07-26T16:52:00.002+01:00

Recently I have felt that I need to start regular devotions of some kind to Maponos. I have decided that these should be on a weekly basis and where possible I will be doing this on Sundays as Maponos is thought of by some as a solar deity. Personally I feel that while he does have some solar attributes these take a secondary role to those of healing, music and prophecy.

I have still not worked out exactly what I will do for these devotions and I am expecting them to evolve over time. At present though it is my intention to visit a loch, pond or well and make an offering of some kind possibly in the form of food for local birds. In time I hope that I will come up with something to sing or chant as well but so far inspiration eludes me.

PaganCon Glasgow - 4th September 2010

2010-07-21T09:54:00.000+01:00

Here's an opportunity to come up to Glasgow which might appeal to some of you.

PaganCon Glasgow is a general pagan conference taking place in Glasgow. I'm a sort of unofficial member of the organising team with a supporting role due to the main organisers being my parents :) This year will be the third PaganCon and it's another interesting line up of speakers with something for most types of pagan.

The venue is Glasgow University Union, University Avenue, Glasgow. The Conference will open at 10.00am and will close at 10.00pm on Saturday, September 4th 2010.

The Speakers this year will be:

Janet Farrar and Gavin Bone (Saxon-Wicca)
Philip Heselton (author and historian on modern Paganism)
Jenny Blain (Heathenry)
Robin Herne, author of Old Gods, New Druids (Druidry)
Neil Geddes-Ward (Fairy-Craft)
Karen Jones (Sound Workshop)
Potia (Building a relationship with Deities) - yes that's me. I had my arm gently twisted.

There will be stalls, Readers and Healers for most of the day.

The evening Entertainment is Paul Newman (check out Percy Creep) singing and telling jokes in the Conference Bar.

Tickets are now available for PaganCon 2010. The price has been set at £10.00 in advance and £12.00 on the door. Tickets can be obtained at http://stores.ebay.co.uk/cluthas-cave

(Stall Holder Tickets can also be obtained from the above address.)

If you can make it up for the conference do let me know.

The Blues

2010-07-16T11:35:00.001+01:00

Today and indeed for the last couple of days really for no readily apparent reason I am feeling miserable. It probably doesn't help that the weather is grey, wet and a bit cooler than it has been. I'm not particularly short on sleep so I can't put it down to that and I'm not at a point in my cycle where I can put it down to PMT.

Right now these feelings are peaking. As I sit here writing this I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. So I'm writing to try and work my way though some of this and find a bit of balance again.

The other day my brother asked me if I had any thoughts of what I'd like to do for my fortieth birthday this November. While it was nice of him to ask the answer is no, not really. I will probably be at work as I don't think I will have any spare days to take the day off. I'm not a party person so a big piss up style of party is definitley not my thing. A meal out with family might be nice but my brother and mum aren't talking to each other, haven't been for well over a year now and I can't really see that changing. I suppose I could try and go out the weekend before (the day itself is a Monday) but I'm really not sure as sleeping in with children in the house doesn't really happen. So I guess that's part of the misery feelings.

I miss feeling sexy. Now here's a frightening confession for you I read crappy romance books for escapism and because they are short and easy to read I have been known to read two or three a day when I get them out of the library. I don't buy the things. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and children but life is not romantic or even particulary sexy. I can't remember the last time I had a mild flirtation with a man let alone felt honest to goodness uncomplicated lust for one and thought he might feel something similar for me. I've had fantasies of course - what woman hasn't? But the men in them are either totally imaginary or men that I know and probably wouldn't look at me with lust in their thoughts for a second. I'm not exagerating here as among others I have fantasised about some of the gay men I know and while they might be dear freinds I doubt that I stir any thoughts of lust in them. In reality I can't remember when I last felt wickedly flirtatious and I miss it.

And I miss certain people that I haven't seen for a long time or heard from properly. In at least one case I feel there is something left unresolved but I don't know how to move past that feeling. I'm pretty sure it's a one sided feeling too so I'm hesitant to try and contact her for a chat. Her life has gone through some changes and she's really busy with work and her family. In many ways we aren't really that close but she was with me during a very intense experience and she supported me. I feel a stronger tie to her than I did and I can't seem to get past that without her input. It's stupid but there you are. I worry that I have said something in the past about some of this that makes her want to distance herself from me. Recently I bumped into her briefly online and it brought everything to the foreground again for me.

I'd like to have someone I could talk to about all of this stuff and know it wasn't going to upset them, that they didn't need me to be the strong one. I'd like to open up about things and not worry about having it possibly getting back to those involved in ways that could hurt and upset them. But there isn't anyone at the moment so I'm typing stuff out here, trying to keep it vague and and feeling sorry for myself.
And I should count my blessings, not moan about the stupid things that are getting me down. I'm so lucky compared to some people I know. I have my health and family, a secure job and a good home but I feel miserable anyway.

So has doing this helped me feel any better. Not much but it has given me a chance to let some of it out a bit. I still feel crappy but that's life sometimes. I'll move past it eventually. At least I'm at work, in an office of my own and not likely to be needed to show a calm and in control face for a while.

Postscript: Not long after writinig the above I went for a swim, got angry with myself and channeled that into my exercise. I feel less unsettled now and have edited the above a bit to weed out the worst of the whiney elements. The rest I will leave as I've already had a comment on it.

changing

2010-07-01T19:37:00.000+01:00

For many years I have used a couple of variations of passwords for everything from work to personal stuff. Today (not before time the security conscious among you might say) I have been changing my passwords. It's odd but this feels like a really big change to make even though it is a relatively hidden one. I suppose it's because the passwords I used were part of how I thought of myself to some extent, they had meaning to me and were not randomly chosen. My new passwords also have meaning to me but in a different way. Letting go of the old ones and that tie to an older identity still feels odd though.

Now I just have to try and remember the new passwords I have chosen!

Thoughts on blogging

2010-07-01T10:26:00.001+01:00

Recently on a blog I adore reading the author asked for feedback on what we readers would like to see more of on his blog and as is often the case with the blogs I read this got me thinking. While you may think it would be better to reply on that blog I find I can't express things clearly enough to write a short reply. Instead I am going to ramble a bit on here to try and clarify my thoughts.

So why do I read blogs and in particular the ones I follow regularly? I read them because I like them, they make me think and I learn things from them. I love reading but I don't like reading text books. The books I read are mainly for escapism and light hearted enjoyment. I do read the odd book that makes me think but most of the time when I pick up a book I want to be entertained for a while.

Reading blogs however, is for me like indulging in a really good quality chocolate. They are often brief moments of intensly rich experiences laden with meanings. I couldn't read blogs all the time but I love being able to read a little every day from my favourite authors. Drip by drip I am learning different things from these people who share so much of themselves in their blogs. Some inspire me in my personal practices, some add to my knowledge of myth and story, and others allow me to gain new experiences through their eyes. I love them all. I don't necessarily like everything my favourite bloggers write but that's not the point. The point is that whatever their reasons for writing what they do, I learn from them because they help me to think about things in different ways and they show me new things (well, new to me anyway). The authors also show something of their personalities in their blogs as I do in mine and I love them for that.

So why do I blog? Part of it is simply to help me clarify my own thoughts on things and I guess part of it's about trying to give a little something back to those I feel connected to. I don't think my offerings are likely to help you, my readers, learn much but maybe I can provide a different perspective for you sometimes. Maybe sometimes I can write something that entertains or inspires you. And maybe for those that blog, if you start questioning why you bother you can look at this post and reconnect with some of the reasons others read your blogs and hopefully feel that perhaps it is worthwhile after all :)

So to those whose blogs I read on a regular basis and who chose to read mine may I take this opportunity of saying a huge thank you for what you write. I may not comment very often but I love being able to read the things you choose to share. In sharing what you do you are helping this blogger expand in knowledge and experience and it is greatly appreciated.

To anyone reading my blog I hope that sometimes what I write helps you in some small way and that you enjoy reading as much as I have come to enjoy blogging.

Midsummer reflections

2010-06-25T14:48:00.000+01:00

My midsummer celebrations began on Friday the 18th with a half day off work during which I went to the hairdresser. For many of you I am sure this will seem like a very ordinary thing to do but I hadn't been to a good hairdresser for a very, very long time. In fact I can't really remember when I last went to a hairdresser of any kind for anything more than a basic trim. I think it might have been for my mum's wedding 10 years ago.

Here are the results

There's also a blue streak at the back part way down rather than from the top. This was also a reward to myself for getting healthier and getting down to a certain weight. I am still working on loosing more weight but I've done pretty well so far. My next reward is a tattoo!

On the afternoon of Sunday 20th I was in Pollok Park with a group of local Pagans for an open summer solstice ritual. There are a small number of us that take it in turns to write and lead the ceremonies and this time it was my turn. I forgot to count but I think we had about 20 folks there some of whom were new and others had been along to other rituals in Pollok Park. It was a hot sunny day, perfect for a solstice celebration. Everything went well and everyone there seemed to enjoy themselves. After the ritual those who are able to go to the cafe in the Burrell Collection building for something to eat and drink and a good chat.

That evening at dusk I went outside into my back garden and quietly offered a triple toast to Maponos, the summer solstice and the tribe of Brython knowing that several others would also be offering a similar triple toast at some stage that evening.

I had been asked the week before if someone in the family could come along with my son's class for their school trip on Monday 21st. After talking to my mum about it we agreed that it made the most sense if I took the day off and went so I also had the solstice day off work. This time though I was spending it in the company of a large number of excited primary school kids as we went to Blair Drummond Safari Park. A good time was had by all on a day that started off a bit cloudy but turned into a scorching summer's day. We didn't have enough time to see everything as we had to leave at 2 pm to get back to school for home time. I think my favourite bit was the sea lion show.

The only bit of the trip that didn't go so well was getting into the coach to go home. The coach by this time was incredibly hot and stuffy and my son got rather upset with the heat. Once the coach got moving properly the air conditioning kicked in and everyone cooled down.

That evening I watched the end of the sunset from an upstairs bedroom window while the children slept peacefully. The colours were magnificent. Patches of high cloud were painted with pale yellows and light pinks deepening over time to rich golds, salmon pinks and reds. Finally deep red-brown clouds were touched with greys against an ever darkening sky. And throughout this process the pale light of the evening star glimmered between the clouds.

And today the schools here in Scotland finish for the summer holidays. Seven weeks before we have to get used to school routines once more.

Tonight I will make an offering to Brigantia, tomorrow is the full moon and I will make my offering to Rigantona.

An old friend

2010-05-19T15:27:00.000+01:00

Yesterday evening I decided that today I would go for a walk at lunchtime by the River Kelvin and see if there was any hawthorn blossom out on the trees along the river that have been seasonal markers for me for many years. This morning I spotted some on the way into work so thought it was likely that I'd see more today and I have. There are still not many blossoms out but there are a few on an old friend of mine by the river.

Beltane has reached Glasgow's West End at last, it won't be long before it reaches the area where I live now but it's not there yet.

Falls of Clyde

2010-05-15T18:50:00.002+01:00

About 12 years ago I visited the Falls of Clyde in Lanarkshire with a group from a local pagan moot. I've been meaning to go back there ever since and today I made it.

Today I took the family to visit the Falls of Clyde. Rowan hadn't seen a large waterfall before and neither had Rose. Even though my husband has lived in this area of the world all his life he had never visited the falls before today either.

It's about 45 minutes in the car from us if you don't make mistakes on the route which I did on the way there but it was very good driving practice for me and a lovely day for it.

The picture below is of the larger of the falls at Bonnington. In the past the volume of water going over the falls would have been greater but there is a hydro-electric power station there which diverts much of the water. It was the first one built in the UK in 1926 and it's still operational today. Even with much of the water diverted it's a lovely area and well maintained by the Scottish Wildlife Trust.

Seeking forgiveness

2010-05-08T12:33:00.000+01:00

This is a tale of a woman’s quest to meet with one of her gods to seek forgiveness for past actions.

It was not long after the evening star had appeared in the sky when I sought out the council. At that time the council were seven and these are the names given to me. The council host was the Speaker for the Land; his fellows were the Guardian, the Watchful Healer, the Lore Keeper, the Spirit Walker, the Word Smith of Taranis and last but in no way least Hearts Counsel. As we gathered the Guardian lit the fire. The bowl was filled and the mead passed round. As the mead flowed a hymn to the gods of our tribe was sung. I placed an offering on the fire that my prayers be heard. Then the Speaker for the Land bade me tell of my questing.

“I seek the Old One of the Land. She who is to me the First Mother, Sister-Mother to the Great Queen.” I told how through serving a tribe in the North I had been part of a calling on the Old One, a calling out of season and without due honour and respect. I told of how she came to me strong and powerful, how she left sinking deep and taking me with her part of the way. I told of how since that time I have felt her near me, felt her touch in the lives of those around me in that Northern tribe. I needed to seek forgiveness for my part in that calling. It was not entirely of my doing and yet I felt I needed to say sorry for my part.

The council then questioned me further and I answered as clearly as I could.

“What do you wish to do?” asked one. “I wish to perform a spirit journey to meet the Old One if she will let me.”

“What do you hope to achieve?” asked the next. “I wish to say sorry for my part in a calling out of season and hopefully be forgiven.”

“What role do you wish us to play in this?” asked another. “I wish for your support and guidance as I fear this journey will be hard on me.”

“Where do you wish to do this?” “I am not sure” I replied, “in a place which seems right, in the hills, where earth, waters and sky are in balance.”

“How do you plan to do this spirit journey?” yet another asked. “In silence with one or two of you watching over me while I journey” I replied.

The questions continued with various council members helping me to clarify my intention. Eventually the questions stopped and the council agreed to support me in my quest. The next day we would travel into the hills and if all went well I would carry out a spirit journey.

The night was a clear one and it became very cold. I spent that night on the ground and could feel the damp earth leach the warmth from my body. In spite of being wrapped in layers the air cooled me even further and I spent much of the night shivering. At last the morning came. The night had left me drained and unbalanced. It was my self appointed task to feed the council that morning and I willingly began to cook. I think we all felt better for a bowl of porridge.

Later that morning the journey to the hills began. As we prepared to leave a cuckoo called out, its voice an omen of magic for me. The Speaker gave me a hazel staff to aid me in my journey. I learnt later that this staff had been cut from a hazel near an ancient well known for its healing properties and that this hazel was considered to give protection to those travelling in the mountains. Carrying what we would need for the night to come we began walking. Not long into the journey the skies darkened and rain began to fall, then hailstones, followed by more rain. Our cloaks protected us from the worst of the weather but it was not a comfortable walk.

I did not know this path, this Land was not mine but the Speaker of the Land was our guide. Onward he led us. When we paused we looked out across a stark beauty coloured by the actions of generations.

I was already tired when we began and as the walk went on I began to enter a state where slow plodding on was as much as I could do. Onward and upward we walked. As I moved on words began to circle in my head:

“Old One will you meet me
As I walk towards you.
Old One will you meet me
Daughter of your strength.
As I journey onwards
Walking to my future.
Old One will you meet me
Daughter of your strength.”

I moved to the rhythm these words made in my mind, walking onwards slowly. Aware always of the others around me, walking up the hill with me. Never alone, always someone watching over me.

Most often it was Spirit Walker I felt behind me. A gentle and reassuring presence. At one stage the Word Smith walked beside me. I had barely known him before this and it was good to have this opportunity to learn more of him.

And still rain fell, still I laboured to catch my breath.

At some stage the rain had stopped but I barely noticed. We paused in our journey and the Speaker for the Land pointed out across the valley. “That is our resting place this night and look there beside.” A black mountain pony grazed there. These wild ones are spread out across these hills and to see a black one by our resting was a further strong omen to me.

After a time we came to the final stretch of this path which was steeply downwards over a rough rock strewn stairway.

Just as I began to make my careful way down I heard my third omen. A raven called. Rare to me is the voice of the raven, rarer still is it for me to see one. I paused for a moment to catch my breath and looked up. At that moment the raven flew out across our path and off towards the snow touched crags beyond. I was crossing into another realm even as I clambered across the rocks. Something in me knew I had entered the realm of the Old One and she had heard me.

I fell. I wasn’t hurt but I did have trouble getting to my feet again. The Guardian and the Speaker came beside me. One took my pack for me while the other helped me onwards to a safer area of the path where I took up my pack once more.

We made it down and the rain fell once more as we reached the shelter.

We were not alone at the shelter, there was one from another tribe there and his manner was strange to us.

I knew I would not be doing a spirit journey that night. I was tired beyond imagining and as we sat my body began to cool and I started to shiver once more. Tears rose to my eyes and I bowed my head, turned my face away from those with me while I struggled to contain them.

After a rest the Speaker suggested going back to one of the lakes we had passed but I could not face a further journey, even a brief one. I did not want to stop their going, I could wait where I was and rest. The Watchful Healer stayed with me.

I made a place to rest and wrapped myself in many layers. I thought I was warming and then the shivers started again. Watchful Healer sat beside me and took my hands in hers. Her touch brought with it warmth and healing. My balance began to return to me.

When the others returned the fire was lit and warmth began to penetrate the shelter. Gradually I began to warm too until at last I felt restored. Food and drink was part of that restoration.

As we sat darkness began to fall and I offered hymns to the Old One and to her Sister-Mother, the Great Queen. Then the strange one came to our fire and we turned our minds to sharing song and story. The Word Smith of Taranis shared his tales and sang for us, well did he entertain us that night. Tales and songs we shared of that and other lands on into the night. Later still another traveller came to the shelter and joined us.

That night we slept in warmth and we woke early.

As we left the shelter to return to our beginnings I saw and heard wild ponies playing in the valley beyond us. Above us clouds wreathed the snow touched crags.

We walked past the black cold waters of the lakes and I touched my fingers to those waters and then to my head, lips and heart in blessing.

We began to climb that rough stairwell. Towards the top I paused and looked up. At that moment the raven flew out, circled round us and then flew off once more. I was passing through the gateway and returning.

From there the walk was a gentle stroll back downhill. As we walked the rising sun warmed the Land and the clouds began to clear.

Omens three I had seen and heard travelling to that place in the hills. Omens three I received on our journey back. The last one being the sight and sound of a lark rising in a field across from our journey’s start and end.

I had walked out in winter to seek the Old One, to say how sorry I was for my part in what had happened those months before. I had asked for help and guidance from the council because I feared that my journey would be hard on me. My journey became both more and less than I had expected. My spirit journey was not a separate journey but one woven into the physical realm. The journey was hard on me and the council supported me, protected me and guided me throughout. Their presence was a part of my journey even though in part it was my path alone to walk. I felt the Old One’s presence up in those hills. I believe that she heard me, allowed me to feel her and forgave me for my part in what had happened.

I had walked out in winter to seek the Old One; I walked back in the promise of summer, with joy beyond expressing rising in my heart.

The bonds that this journey has forged in my heart will remain with me and my heart swells with love for each of those who journeyed beside me. For the Speaker of the Land, for the Guardian, for the Watchful Healer, for the Lore Keeper, for the Spirit Walker, for the Word Smith of Taranis and for Hearts Counsel. For the council was seven and these are the names given to me.

This was the tale of how I sought forgiveness of one of my gods and here it ends.

Journeys

2010-04-26T23:50:00.000+01:00

At present I am preparing for journeys, mainly physical and spiritual but with some mental and emotional aspects too.

On Friday 30th April I will be travelling down to North Wales. I will be spending Friday night camping with a group of people some of whom I have met and others who I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting face to face. On Saturday we will be going up into the hills and spending the night in a bothy before returning and going our separate ways on Sunday.

Physically the walk to the bothy might be on the strenuous side for me although I might manage it better than I think. I'm not the fittest of people but I know I will be walking with a group of much more experienced walkers who will give me a hand if I need it. I'm also not the most experienced of campers but as long as I can manage to keep my feet warm I should be fine.

Spiritually in the midst of all of this I hope to do a shamanic style journey to visit the Cailleach. This is something I feel very strongly that I need to attempt ideally before the veil shifts into summer completely. I have discussed this online with those that are going to be present and asked for their support in this. I want their support because I am unsure how this attempted journey might go. I might not get anywhere but if I do it is possible that I will come back from it in an emotional state. On the other hand I might come out of it on something of a high! If I am deeply affected by this journey in any way then having the support of people I can trust around me will make it much easier for me deal with any affects. Thankfully I have the support of those that will be there even though I know there are also a few concerns about this. I am very grateful for that support and I hope that once we have a chance to chat about it face to face those with concerns will feel better about what I want to try.

This journey that I hope to undertake is primarily for my own peace of mind but it is also for aspects of my local Pagan community and for the Cailleach herself. I honestly feel that this is something I am being called to do. Although the Cailleach is not a deity to take lightly I don't believe she will intentionally cause me harm but communication with her can be dramatic. And that brings me to another factor. I have asked for support from others in doing this, it seems only fair that I also ask them if there is anything they would like me to try and do or ask for them during this or another journey even. There might not be anything and even if there is I might not be able to help in any way but I can try.

Mentally and emotionally I have been thinking about these things, trying to prepare for them and getting a bit nervous. I'm nervous about how well I will cope with the physical side of what is planned and I'm a bit nervous about the shamanic style journey I hope to do. I am also getting excited about it all. I'm looking forward to meeting those I have not yet met and I hope we will get along well when we meet face to face. I'm looking forward to spending more time with those I have met before too. There will be more time to talk and get to know each other. There are some others I wish were able to attend, some that I haven't yet met and others that I have, but I am sure there will be other opportunities in the future.

Glasgow creates first Chair of Gaelic in Scotland

2010-04-12T16:11:00.000+01:00

Regular readers will know that recently I have been attempting to learn Gaelic. I've been at home for the last week being mum and on my return to work I saw this item on the University website. I don't know the individual concerned personally but I am delighted to see this announcement.

The post of Gaelic Language Officer at the University referred to in the news item is the reason I have been able to attend free lessons in Gaelic during lunch hours.

Badger, Badger, Badger

2010-04-08T23:34:00.000+01:00

Altogether now "mushroom, mushroom"!

Seriously folks I'm posting this for someone in my local pagan community who I'm still getting to know but I like her style in walking her talk :)

She's going to be running the Women's 10k in Glasgow on 9th May dressed as a badger in support of Scottish Badgers

You can find out more about her plans and ways of supporting her at:
Badger, badger, badger

Return

2010-03-31T11:54:00.000+01:00

In the darkness I hear a voice shrieking.

“Where are you my beloved? Why did you leave me?
This burden is too heavy. I am old and so tired.
Come back to me beloved, come back.”

Snow falls. Icy tears in a moaning wind.
Come back to us beloved, come back.

Weather and the Cailleach

2010-03-29T22:16:00.000+01:00

The rational side of me knows that changes in the weather are due to a range of reasons such as air pressure, wind speeds and other factors across the globe. The emotional and instinctive side of me can't help feeling concerned as winter once more reaches out across Scotland bringing snow.

In Scottish folk tales the Cailleach fights against the coming spring, raging against the changes. She uses storms and different types of winds to beat back the approaching warmth until at last she is beaten. At some level of my being I can't help feeling that She who I know as the Cailleach is not happy right now and the weather is to some extent a reflection of that. It's a feeling that has increased in me over the winter both with the weather and with the number of people I know who have been having difficult times. The logical and reasoning side of me tries to tell me I am just being silly and superstitious but still I wonder...

A new look

2010-03-26T19:50:00.000Z

Inspired by what Lee has done over on Aelwyd Fochon I've had a go at coming up with a new look here. It's fun playing with these things and satisfying too as you get to see the results so quickly.

Mind, Body and Spirit

2010-03-22T23:19:00.002Z

Not so long ago I wrote about some of the changes I had set in progress in my life. As one phase of those actions has now ended I thought I would reflect a little on what has taken place.

Mind

I have now finished a second short course in Gàidhlig, a nine week long course of hour long lunchtime sessions. I can understand a bit of written Gàidhlig now and in theory I can have a basic conversation. I say in theory because my pronunciation still sucks and I have a lot of trouble understanding what I hear. I have learnt some bits though and I have enjoyed the course. I'm hoping that there will be a further course arranged for next session but I'll need to wait and see. In the meantime I do intend to work through some of the BBC materials at "Beag_air_bheag" in the hope that I will gradually start to understand a bit more. Languages are not my strength!

Body

Last week saw the last sessions in eight week courses in Belly dancing and Body Balance. New classes start up in late April and I'm going to continue with both. Belly dancing is great fun. The variant I've been learning is vintage oriental belly dancing. When I started Body Balance I thought I'd made a big mistake, I was literally in tears at the end of the first session! The instructor was great though and very encouraging. I kept going and by the end of the 8 weeks I was able to complete the hour long sessions and come out feeling tired instead of exhausted and at the same time energised from the exercise. My fitness levels have improved dramatically over the last eight weeks and I am really feeling the benefit. I've also been continuing to lose weight, little by little and that too is feeling good. I'm still overweight but I'm getting healthier.

Spirit

When I last wrote on these topics I had been reading Harner's "The Way of the Shaman" and thinking about some of my past experiences but not come to any conclusions. I have finished that book and have now read another two books on shamanic practices, one by Sandra Ingerman "Soul Retrieval" and one by Jane Shutt "The Spirits are always with Me". I've also been in touch with a very experienced practitioner of Seidr in Scotland by the name of Malcolm about some of these things. The outcome of all this reading and the discussions I have had both on forums and via email is that I have come to feel that I need to learn to journey in a shamanic fashion. I have a few reasons for this decision which I'm not going to go into here. Fortunately for me Malcolm is willing to help me with this. It's going to take a while because even finding the time to meet up will be difficult. I know Malcolm will be a good guide for me in this phase of my learning even though we walk slightly different paths.

The other thing I wrote about under this heading was lunar rituals and I have written about these already recently.

Full moon celebrations

2010-03-01T22:20:00.005Z

In an earlier post I mentioned that I had decided that the period of the full moon would be devoted to honouring deities. This evening I carried out the third of my full moon devotions.

The full moon was on Sunday evening at 16.38 GMT so my devotions started the evening before in honour of Brigantia or Brighid.

I chose the time of sunset each day (or as close to it as I could get) for my devotions so at sunset on Saturday evening I gathered together three tea lights, my wooden quaich, a small white bowl, some milk and honey in the kitchen. I poured some milk into the white bowl, heated it and added a little honey. I lit the three tealights one for Brighid as mother of hearth and home, one for Brighid as healer and guardian of wells and healing springs and one for Brighid as smith and craftswoman. I then sang a hymn of praise to Brighid in Gaelic (Irish), it's called Gabhain Molta Bhride and I first heard it played by Fiona Davidson accompanied with her harp. Fiona kindly sent me a CD with it on so I could learn it and this is the version she sent me:

Once I had sung this hymn of praise I poured three portions of the sweetened milk into the quaich and then used the remainder to toast the three aspects of Brighid, Mother of hearth and home, Lady of healing waters and Lady of smiths and craftworkers. The milk in the quaich was left to cool before pouring out in the garden and the candles left to burn out.

On Sunday evening I gathered a single candle, the quaich and a glass of mead. The candle I lit for Rigantona and then I sang a Hymn to Epona I crafted to her as Epona some years ago. After singing this I poured some of the mead from my glass into the quaich and used the rest to toast her as Mother of the Tribe. The mead in the quaich was left overnight by a statue of Epona and poured out in the garden the following morning.

This evening I went out into the garden somewhat later than I had hoped owing to family matters. I gazed at the stars for a while and then sang a hymn of praise to the Cailleach I crafted a few years ago. I've never recorded this one so I can't let you hear it here. After singing it I came back inside and poured a little single malt whiskey into the quaich as an offering. As I'm not fond of whiskey myself I toasted the Cailleach as Mother of the Land with some red wine. The whiskey has been left and will be poured out in the garden tomorrow morning.

I am unsure if the form of these devotions will remain exactly as I have carried out this month but it felt good to do these things at this time of the full moon.

Rowan's artwork

2010-02-25T18:37:00.001Z

Today was the launch of a permanent exhibition of artwork at a Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service in Glasgow. The artworks were created by some of the youngsters who were attending the service last year and my son was one of them (following his autism diagnosis in 2008 to help us with his temper issues).

Anyway four of his artworks were chosen to be part of this exhibition and I am so very proud of him. I got photos of him with three of the pieces and naturally enough want to show them off to as many people as I can :)

Rowan calls this one "Sun is Moon".

This one is called "Grenade" (he was making a throwing motion at the time of the original photo).

And this is called "Dragon 2"

Campsie Glen

2010-02-23T15:40:00.001Z

On Saturday afternoon I went out for a drive into the Campsie's. I don't know these hills very well yet but they call to me and from my home I see them every day.

I parked in a little carpark by a view spot and went for a little walk. Like many others before me I discovered the beauty of the waterfalls in Campsie Glen and I took a couple of photos. Then I sat for a while mesmerised by the sounds and the beauty of the ice fringed water as it rushed on it's way.

Body and mind

2010-02-19T16:55:00.000Z

It's amazing how good you can feel after an hour of exercise which four weeks ago had you thinking you just couldn't cope with this again!

After my first session of Body Balance I thought I had made a big mistake but after talking things over with the class teacher I decided to keep trying. Today was week four and I made it through without having to take a break for a bit. I even just about managed to complete all the exercises without falling over!

Endorphins are no doubt still circulating round my body and I feel more positive and energised (with some achy bits too from the stretches). So did this have a positive effect on my work? Not really no, I'm very good at avoiding yet more finance on a Friday afternoon. I did start a couple of threads on my favourite forum though which I hope will get a bit of discussion going :)

Pensive, Reflective, Ruminative

2010-02-18T22:24:00.001Z

Today has been an odd day. Work has been fine but other things have got me thinking and musing.

On my favourite forum there is a thread which has become troubling to me. While realistically I am not the cause of some of the recent comments I feel somehow responsible. My words have not caused harm directly but they have been used by another as a springboard for further comments. Some of what has been said is hurtful to others I have a great deal of respect for and yet I think I can also see something of what has caused the person to lash out. I wish I could think of some way of helping both sides of this to a friendly understanding of each other but I don't think there is anything I can do. Some will probably think that I shouldn't worry about this but I can't help the way I feel. Maybe I am reading too much into the situation but it seems to me that there are people hurting over this and I don't like that.

It was with this in the back of my mind that I went to meet a friend I hadn't seen for many months for lunch. It was good to see him but he seemed somehow less that he used to. I know he has had problems with his health and family stresses but he seemed much less vital than I had expected.

Then this evening as I left work I looked up into the night sky and saw the crescent moon high in the sky. I thought of another friend who has said he will be honouring Taranis on the third night of the new moon. He may well have been doing that yesterday evening but to me this evening felt like a very appropriate time for me to remember Taranis.

I feel like I have been standing on a hillside overlooking a valley with storms running through it. I can see the effects but I can't do anything about them. I just have to hope things blow over and that there is not too much damage done. And my thoughts have turned a full circle once more.

Love

2010-02-14T17:03:00.001Z

As it's Valentine's day I thought I would write a little on the subject of Love. I've mentioned in a previous post that love is one of the most important principles of my life but I've never really tried to explain what I mean by that on this blog.

Firstly I don't mean chocolate and roses, or Mills & Boon style love. Frankly the Mills & Boon type of things is more about fantasies and lust than it is about real love. I'm not saying such things don't have their place but to think real love is about the type of relationship often portrayed in these style of books is a mistake in my opinion.

Love has different facets and in English we lump it all into this one word which makes it confusing when you are trying to explain why it is so important to you.

Many years ago I learnt about the four ancient Greek words for love; Agápe, Éros, Philia and Storge. If I remember correctly I learnt about them in connection to the Letter of St Paul's to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 13) which most people brought up with Christianity are likely to have heard at least once. These ideas of spiritual love, passionate love, brotherly or sisterly love and family love have stayed with me. In one of the many fantasy related books I have read there is a passage redefining these concepts as love involving the body for Éros, love involving the mind for Philia and love involving the soul for Agápe which has also stuck with me (from Anne McCaffery's "The Ship who Searched"). All of these facets of love are important to me in different ways but even these four ideas do not fully encompass what love means to me.

Love is that almost painful swelling of emotion I get sometimes when I watch my daughter playing or get a hug from my son. It is the joy that brings tears to my eyes on a beautiful sunny day or at the sight of a rainbow. It is about the smile on my face as I read the words of people far away from me that I have never met face to face. It is passion and friendship woven together.

To me living by love means opening myself up to be able to feel connections with others. It means risking pain in order to get to know someone better. To live by love is to constantly try and improve my knowledge of myself, to work at improving my faults and yet at the same time to accept myself faults and all. To live by love for me is about trying to accept a person or a place for what they are and what they bring to me. And it is about accepting that no-one is ever going to be perfect.

I feel that love is also about reaching out to others and sharing with them the good things they bring into my life, to try and give back to them a little of the joy they give to me.

These are some of the reasons why this principle of Love is so important to me and why it guides me in my life. Like many who try to live up to ideals and principles I don't get it right all the time but I try :)

Expanding the mind

2010-02-09T12:22:00.003Z

Today I have had my mind wonderfully expanded. I've been looking up the meaning of some words on a blog post. I believe the words I have been looking up were used as examples of less well known and understood words and I have had fun finding out meanings using the website dictionary.com

So today's new words for me are:

Zaftig meaning buxom, full bodied or curvaceous. It is Yiddish according to dictionary.com and derived from the German word saft - juice. I really like this word so don't be too surprised if I start using it.

Epithalamium meaning a song or poem in honour of a bridal couple. Another lovely word although I'm not sure I've got the pronounciation right. I do know that I had one composed by a freind for my own handfasting although I didn't know that's what it was until now :)

Chryselephantine meaning made of gold and ivory as certain types of ancient Greek sculpture. Can't see me using this but it's nice to know what it means.

Self-abnegation meaning self denial (this one I could guess at but worth looking up to check.)

Shibboleth meaning a password or word that distinguishes one group of people from another. I'm glad I looked this one up as I thought it had something to do with monsters!

Many thanks to Bo who posted all these wonderful words and helped me learn a few things today.

Changes

2010-02-07T19:02:00.003Z

So many things to think about recently I hardly know where to start. Perhaps with decisions I have made so far? These basically fall into three headings: Mind, Body and Spirit :)

Mind

I have decided to continue to work at learning Scottish Gaelic (Gàidhlig). I am very much a beginner still in this area but the University I work in now offers free lessons to staff and students. Learning another language is not something that comes easily to me but I think it will be worth it. The lessons I attend are on Monday lunchtimes.

Body

Those who have met me will know that I am rather too short for my weight. As I can't seem to grow up no matter how hard I try ;) I am working on loosing weight. This is something that started a few months ago now and so far I'm progressing reasonably well. In addition to trying to change my eating habits I decided in the new year to start some fitness classes. Again this is something I am doing through work in my lunch breaks. I've started attending classes on Tuesdays and Fridays. Tuesday is Belly Dancing day and Friday is something called Body Balance. I've been going for two weeks now and I can already feel the difference. Belly Dancing is great fun to do but I have to admit that my first class of Body Balance left me feeling that I'd made the wrong choice. I gave it a second chance though and the second class was not so bad. I am going to keep going with it.

So onward to a fitter and healthier body.

Spirit

I've been reading Harner's "The Way of the Shaman" and before that read Jenny Blain's "Nine Worlds of Seid-Magic". These books have led me to think about a range of past experiences, including past meditative journeys and ritual experiences. I haven't really come to any firm conclusions on that front as yet though.

I've also been reading and thinking about lunar rites. I have come to a couple of decisions on that front which I will detail below.

Lunar cycle observations

As readers here will know several months ago I started a simple ritual at the full moon for honouring my ancestors. I had no real reason for using the full moon for this, it was simply a convenient marker. After reading posts on Deiniol's blog and Lee's blog I've been doing a lot of thinking about the timing of this observance. I have recently decided to shift the timing of my ancestral observance to the dark moon. There is something rather wonderful about knowing that others in different parts of the country are doing very similar things to you at the same time :)

The full moon will now be devoted to honouring deities. At present my thoughts are that there will be three offerings made, one each evening of the period of the full moon. The evening of the day before the moon reaches it's fullest will be devoted to Brigantia with an offering of warm and honeyed milk.

The night of the full moon will be devoted to Rigantona with an offering of sweet wine of some sort. My initial thoughts on this were warmed honeyed red wine but now I'm not so sure. I may use mead or a strawberry wine. I feel that the sweetness is important.

The third and final night as the moon moves into it's waning phase will be devoted to the being I know as the Cailleach, or the First Mother. The offering in this case may well be whisky but I'm not positive.

At the present time I don't know how, when or even if, I will fit in offerings to male deities.

Ritual equipment

For my ancestral observances I use a particular china cup and saucer for the ancestors and use another china cup and saucer for myself. The ancestor's cup is a distinctive one and set aside now for that use alone.

At Eponalia I used my art pewter quaich to make an offering of mulled wine. I left the wine in there overnight and it went pale green. At that stage I couldn't see any damage to the quaich so being intensely curious about what had occurred I repeated this offering at the next full moon. Again the wine went green but this time the quaich showed a little damage too. I'm not positive if it was the wine itself reacting with the metal or perhaps the acid from the citrus fruits that will have been added during the mulling process (probably the citric acid) but either way the message was clear. This was not the right vessel to use.

So I got in touch with the wonderful Darren at Morgan's Wood and asked him if he could make me a wooden quaich. He did and it's lovely! It is this that I have started to use for offerings to deities. This wonderful vessel will only be used in future for ritual purposes.

If you are thinking about getting any kind of wooden vessel for ritual use by the way I strongly recommend Darren's work unless you can make it yourself that is :)

Rigantona and the Realm of the Dead

2009-12-16T23:01:00.001Z

In Heron's blog he talks of Rigantona withdrawing from the world at this time. And Lee has written of the Place of the Dead. These things have been bubbling together in my mind with other things and this morning I woke with a story that wished to be told.

It's taken me a while to get it written out and it may well need further tweaking but here it is.

Rigantona and the Realm of the Dead – a modern myth

Rigantona was born of the Land and the Land was fashioned by her. The Land was mother and daughter, father and son to her. All the dwelt upon the Land and all that grew from it were both her siblings and her children and great was her love for all. The cup of sovereignty was hers to give and the horn of plenty also.

It came to pass that a human woman sought out Rigantona. Long was her journey to find the beloved queen and when she came before Rigantona she fell to her knees. “Great is my pain, o queen” she said, “for my father, my husband and my brothers have all been torn from me and reside in the realm of the dead”. The woman went on to explain that there had been conflict between two tribes and her father, brothers and husband had been killed and their heads taken. They could not enter the halls of the dead for the price of entry to that place was a skull. The woman spoke of her grief and pain because her kin were forced to wander without the rest and peace found in the halls of Belatonos. The woman begged Rigantona to help her kin.

Rigantona told the woman that there would be a price for her aid and the woman said she would pay anything for her kin to be at peace. Rigantona told her that the first part of the price would be that each dawn and each dusk for the next six moons she must sing out her pain and grief and sing of her plea for aid. If she could not sing she must talk, if she could not talk she must croak, if she could not croak she must reach out with her soul. She must do this without fail. The woman agreed.

Now Rigantona knew not the Realm of the Dead or the way to it so first she watched the souls of the dead as they journeyed to the Lands behind the Land. She watched as they approached the black river with the bridge of bronze. She watched as they approached the bone gates to the realms of the dead and for the first time she gazed upon the face of Belatonos as he took his price and let the souls enter his halls. And she watched as those that could not pay the price were turned away to wander the lands beyond the realms of Belatonos and she was troubled.

Rigantona went to her mother and sister, the old one of the Land and gave to her the cup of sovereignty. “I must journey to the lands behind the lands and the cup may not come with me” she said. “I leave it in your care while I am gone.”

Then Rigantona walked into the depths of the earth, crawled through the darkness until she passed into the lands behind the land and came at last to the great black river.

She joined the line of souls as they crossed the great bronze bridge, watched as their names were etched into the metal as they crossed but her name the bridge could not write.

With the others she walked to the gates of bone and in time she came before Belatonos and he looked upon the face of Rigantona and knew love. “None may enter here who do not pay my price” he said, “and the horn of plenty you may not bring within.” Rigantona answered “And what of those who can not pay? Is there no way they may enter your halls?” From this Belatonos knew why she had come and he rejoiced in his heart for he could see a way to win her love. “Between a man and a woman, a god and a goddess a contract may be forged” he said. “Go now into the lands and gather the souls of those who would follow you and enter here. Each one must pay me a head and I will let them enter”.

Rigantona left the gates and walked the lands behind the land. Many came to her and followed where she led but there were those who had no love in their hearts and they could not see her. In time she returned to the gates of bone. To each soul she gave a head of corn from the horn of plenty and each in turn gave it to Belatonos as the price for their entry to his halls. And Belatonos spoke “The heads you have given will not last unless the horn of plenty also rests in my wall and if the corn fades then the souls must leave. Will you come within so that the corn may live in my walls?” And because he was fair of face, love moved Rigantona to enter the realm of the dead and the land above and beyond could feel her presence no more and began to mourn.

Rigantona was lost to the Land and the Land began to mourn. Plants withered and died, the sun’s light faded, darkness grew and cold winds began to blow. And the woman sang. The old one grieved for the loss of her sister and daughter, she shrieked her pain into the growing nights. And the woman sang. The old one’s tears turned white and began to cover the land. And still the woman sang, at dusk and at dawn she sang of her grief, her pain and of her plea to Rigantona for aid. And the land began to listen.

Tigernonos in the seas had noticed the growing dark and cold. Taranis in the skies had seen the white covering the land and heard the shrieks of the land crying out in loss. They sought their sister Rigantona and when they could not find her they sought for answers and they heard the songs of the woman. They realised that their sister must have entered the realms of the dead and they were troubled. They called out for her return. The children of the first animals heard and added their voices to the gods. The woman and her people heard and to her songs of grief and her plea for aid the woman added the call for Rigantona to return. In the greatest darkness the world called out for the return of Rigantona from the realms of the dead. Deep within the realm of the dead, in the arms of Belatonos, Rigantona heard their cries.

Rigantona listened and heard the voices of all who called her name. She turned to Belatonos, embraced him and said “I must return to the Land”. And Belatonos was filled with sorrow for he loved Rigantona. “If you leave those who entered with you must also depart.” And Rigantona said “Between a man and a woman, a god and a goddess a contract may be forged. Leave I must but if you agree I will return each year and those that I gather will enter with me for the time I am here”. And the bargain was made.

Rigantona left the halls of Belatonos and took up the horn of plenty. The heads of corn in the wall fell to dust. The souls who had paid with those heads of corn left the halls with Rigantona but they had hope as they knew they could return to feast with their kin again.

The land felt Rigantona once more and the cries of grief faded. The woman continued her song and Rigantona followed the power of her voice back across the bridge of bronze, back through the depth to the land beyond. And as her feet touched the land once more the first shoots of new growth came upon the land and all rejoiced.

As Rigantona walked the land it grew warm in her love and the light returned. In time Rigantona came to her mother and sister, the old one and took back from her the cup of sovereignty. She went to the woman and came upon her at dusk of the last day of the six moons of singing. And Rigantona spoke:

“Well have you sung and this shall be both your price and your reward. I have been to the realms of the dead and each year I shall return. When I do the land will grieve and it will be called winter but in that time those who cannot pay the price will be able to join me in the halls of Belatonos and feast with their kin there until I return to the land once more. And at the time of greatest darkness you and your children and grandchildren must call my name so that I know it is time for me to depart my lover and return.”

And so it came to pass that the land knew winter and spring and learnt that in the greatest darkness there burns the gentle flame of hope.

Looking back, looking forward

2009-11-14T16:58:00.003Z

For the past few days I have been in a reflective mood. This last year for me has not been the easiest although there have been some high points too.

We have had family deaths, a great uncle I barely know died in December and my grandma died in September.

There have been accidents and illnesses. In February my son ran out into the road and was hit by a car. Fortunately the car was coming to a stop and his injuries were relatively minor but he did get a crack to his pelvic bone. The phone call from the school telling me he had been in an accident was a major shock as I am sure you can imagine. He healed well though and has learnt from the experience. In September my daughter was ill with something flu-like and that was very worrying for a few days but she recovered quickly and has been fine since then.

I performed two weddings in June. Both a delight to do and both quite different ceremonies.

In March I started this blog inspired by the writings of fellow Brython members and others :) In August I got to meet some of those lovely people but there are others I still have not had the pleasure of meeting. Hopefully I will get to meet more of them next year and indeed see some of those I have already met again.

I've had a couple of profound spiritual experiences this last year too which have provoked a great deal of thought, some reading and a few conversations about ritual uses of trance.

I am able to stay calmer when my son gets upset over this last year and I've learnt to be able to explain things to him in ways that make sense to him. I don't always get it it right but together we are improving.

My little Rosebud is growing fast and now chatting and singing very well. She loves bouncing, running around, and playing with her big brother "Bub". She now gives out hugs and kisses and has a very cute giggle.

Work has been mixed too but not as stressful as it has been in previous years.

Oh and I've also recently started learning Gaelic - just the basics so far but it's a start.

So many things could have been so much worse this year. My children are safe, healthy and happy. My parents do suffer from assorted health issues but on the whole they are well. And other members of the family are also mostly well, safe and generally happy.

A mixed year but on the whole I feel I have been very lucky.

Memories

2009-10-05T09:38:00.003+01:00

In early October 1989 I got on a train in London and stepped off later that day in Glasgow. As my foot touched the platform I got a feeling a bit like a mild electric shock running through me. In my mind rang the words "I'm home". I'd only ever spent a few hours here once before and not felt that sense of connection then but this time was different. I was arriving in Glasgow for Fresher's week at the University of Glasgow.

Twenty years later I work at the University of Glasgow as an administrator and I have done so since 1997. I still have lunch in the Glasgow University Union and I still walk in Kelvingrove park. I no longer live in the west end of Glasgow but I did for many years and the area is full of memories for me.

I pass places that look quite different to when I first came here and others that have barely changed. There are places where I have lunched with close freinds, places I've laughed, loved and cried in. Places I went to study and places I went to relax.

Threads of my life are now woven into the tapestry of life that is part of the Spirit of Glasgow. I have emotional ties to so many places here now. I never dreamt all those years ago that I would still be in this city. I never dreamt it would come to mean so much to me. I never realised how strong that sense of homecoming would become because I'd never spent even half this time in any other place before.

Born in Brighton, England; childhood in a range of places; home - Glasgow, Scotland.

Brighid's Toys

2009-09-30T15:23:00.003+01:00

This is a little something that grew out of a story I told my son late one evening after he'd had a bad dream. When I first began talking to him about Brighid's toys I told him it was a secret story only for children and that if he was lucky maybe he would see the toys in his dreams. If he even luckier maybe they might just come out of his dream and play with his toys and for a while his toys might come to life too...

As many of you will know Brighid has a younger brother whom she loves dearly. He is loving and mischievous and the light of hope shines from his ever young eyes.

Once long ago Brighid decided she would make a gift for her dear brother. She thought long and hard about what she could make and then she knew. She shut herself into her smithy and over the next three days gathered her supplies together and prepared herself for her task. Her brother, being a nosy soul as younger brothers the world over are, kept popping his head round the door to try and find out what was going on. In the end she shouted at him to leave her alone, for she didn’t want him to know she was making something for him.

After her three days of preparations Brighid barred the smithy doors and began to work. Long hours she laboured, heating metal, working it with delicate tools, quenching each piece in water drawn from her own sacred well. She worked, ate and slept in the smithy never leaving while she crafted her gift for her brother.

Outside her brother couldn’t wait to find out what she was doing. He asked everyone he could think of if they knew what she was making but no-one knew. He tried peering through holes in the smithy roof designed to let in the light but he still couldn’t work out what Brighid was making. He decided that he would wait outside and watch for when she left. Then he would discover her secret!

After six days Brighid was at last satisfied with her work. She had finished on the night of the full moon, just as she had planned, and as the moon rose high in the sky she gathered her creations into a beautiful wooden box and opened the smithy doors. Her dear brother was fast asleep where he had been waiting and watching in a tent under a tree. Brighid chuckled quietly to herself and walked past with her precious burden and headed off in the moonlight to her sacred well.

At the well Brighid carefully arranged her creations on the flat stones around the water’s edge and as the light of the moon shone down from overhead she began to sing. Sweet and powerful was her song. She sang of dreams, of childhood adventures, of love and laughter and as she sang the little figures on the stones began to glow. On she sang as the moon passed overhead and dipped down to the horizon. On she sang as the sky lightened and colour returned to the world and as the sun’s first rays crept over the land her song ended and the toys began to move.

Brighid and her toys stretched in the early morning light. She chuckled and called out to her brother to let him know he could come closer. He was surprised that she had known he was there but he swiftly came out from his hiding place for a closer look at his sister’s creations. “How did you know I was there?” he asked and she told him that she heard him wake and begin to follow her and she had felt his presence close by as she began to sing. “Do you like them?” Brighid asked her beloved brother. “Oh yes! They are wonderful”. He replied. “Good because they are yours now” she said smiling. “Use them wisely to bring joy to the dreams of children”.

And so it began.

Maponos

2009-09-22T22:59:00.003+01:00

Thoughts and images racing through my mind. Feelings of longing, of confusion and uncertainty. Who are you Maponos? Divine youth. Lord of Dreams and Lord of Song? Gentle healer perhaps?

Why is it that thoughts of you keep coming into my mind? What is that you wish of me?

Is it your voice I hear in the rain falling and wind blowing in the autumn light?

Are you my childhood support and companion? Did you answer to another name or was that a gentle loving Jesus in truth? Does it matter what names that Lord of Love I once knew so well may have?

And as I muse and wonder on who you are the rain and sun combine before me to bring the marvel of a double rainbow.

I stand at my front door, my beloved daughter in my arms and we gaze at this fleeting wonder.

Direct communications with spirits and deities in ritual

2009-09-08T10:51:00.002+01:00

I have been involved in a few discussions on and off line recently about the possible uses of trance in Brythonic rituals to communicate directly with spirits and deities. In this post I attempt to make sense of my current thinking about this topic.

First a word of caution: if like me you are a polytheist this is not a matter to take lightly. Actually it’s not a matter to take lightly no matter what your path! If you do not have the support and back up of other experienced individuals or training in this area than I’d strongly recommend you steer clear of attempting anything related to this until you do have such back up.

My path has not included such training but I seem to be getting it via direct experience. I am very fortunate in that I have had exceptional support and back up for the more intense and deeper of the experiences I have had with this but even so it has been hard on me (and on those supporting me too I suspect). I am extremely grateful for the support I have received.

If this is something that is done in Brythonic groups in the future (and it may not be) then I feel we will need to have a few explicit guidelines about such practices. The following suggestions are drawn both from personal experience, from reading and from the excellent advice I have received so far.

1) Purpose
Every ritual should have a clear purpose and direct communication with spirits should be no different. I do not think it is enough to say we want to communicate with our ancestors for example. I think we need to be specific about why we wish for such communication. Do we have questions to ask? Are we looking for advice on a particular area?

If we are going to try communication with a deity (including invoking their presence into someone) this should be even more carefully thought out.

2) Community knowledge and participation
In my opinion all those taking part in any such ritual should be fully informed about what the intent of the ritual is and be fully willing to take part. If someone present has reservations about the purpose of the ritual they should be listened to carefully. That doesn’t mean the rite won’t go ahead but that person may choose not take part and shouldn’t feel pressurised to do so in any way.

3) The seer/host/medium
What ever you want to call the person who is going to attempt the direct communication they should be willing to do this. In my opinion they should feel able to share any fears or worries about what may take place and any changes resulting from the experience with at least one person there. I think there should be at least one experienced person there who has taken on the role of support or anchor for the one acting as seer or host. This should be someone the seer feels they can trust instinctively and deeply. It would also be a very good idea if the seer was aware of just what they might be asking of their anchor in terms of possible longer term support.

4) The anchor or support role
In my opinion the anchor or support person is perhaps the most critical person of any such rite. This person should be chosen by the seer/host as someone they feel they can rely on. The anchor should be able to observe the state of the seer during and after the rite. They should be able to call a halt to things if they feel there are problems. They should expect that the seer might need their support for a significant period of time after the rite - possibly for days afterwards as they come to terms with what took place. They should know ways of helping the seer recover from the immediate effects of the rite and have an idea about any long term effects the rite may have had on the seer. In my opinion they should also be able to call on every single person that was at that rite for any further support that may be needed.

A further note of caution: In my limited experience the level of trust required for the interaction between seer and anchor may change any previous relationship between those individuals. It will hopefully strengthen and deepen it long term but short term it might (if some part of the rite has not gone very well) result in a level of emotional instability on the part of the seer that might strain any relationship the seer and anchor do have.

I realise for some of those that will read this that these considerations should perhaps be automatically in place but I’m still learning :)

I have always learnt more by my mistakes than by those things I get right and my experiences in this area are no exception. I am convinced that if such a rite ever takes place within Brython it will be well planned with a clear purpose and will take place with the informed consent of all taking part as well as with their support. Under these circumstances I am also convinced that many of the problems I have had with my most recent experience simply wouldn’t occur.

My Ancestors

2009-09-04T13:12:00.003+01:00

Today is the full moon and once more I shall make a pot of tea for my ancestors.

In particular today I remember my grandfather George who died this day last year and my grandmother Pauline who died two days ago.

It is poignant that my grandmother's funeral will take place exactly one year to the very day of her husband's in the same church, with the same minister. She will then lie with her husband once more.

Love and death

2009-09-02T12:16:00.003+01:00

Last year on 4th September my beloved grandfather died after being ill for some time. Today almost a full year later his wife of many years, my grandmother slipped away in her sleep in hospital.

Many are the memories I have of both of them. He was a loving gentle man who enjoyed nothing more in later life than a comfy chair, a cup of tea and a slice of cake. He spent his early years on Jersey and returned there for holidays every year he could. That is also where his loves of steam trains and cream teas began. He had a special wave for myself and my brother. So many memories...

My grandma was strong willed and loved being the centre of attention. She was a wonderful amateur actress and had performed in many plays when younger and directed a range of things with the W.I. in later years. In the last few years in spite of problems with her eyes she took art classes and loved it - she did well too. She loved clothes and jewellry and shoes and had a pretty large collection of all three. I have some bits of jewellry and some shoes she passed to me.

In her youth my grandma sang with a big band, she also served in the second world war in the signals if I remember correctly. She loved the films and recordings of Deanna Durbin and introduced me to some of them when I was much younger.

As many reading this will know I love to sing. My grandma encouraged me in this and paid for singing lessons for me when I was younger. One of the last things I was able to do for her was sing something to her over the phone. I picked "On Wings of Song". The words I learnt seem to be a bit differnt to those I can find online.

On Wings of Song I'll bear thee
Enchanted realms to see
Come oh my love prepare thee
In dreamland to wander with me
A garden I know of Roses
By moonlight silver'd o'er
Upon that lake reposes
A balmy lotus flower
Upon that lake reposes
A balmy lotus flower.

The bending violets whisper
Their fragrant secrets there
Waiting for thee their sister
Still closed are their blossoms rare
With wistful glances are peering
The bright eyed slender gazelle
The rushing tide is nearing
Upon the breeze it swells
The rushing tide is nearing
Upon the breeze it swells

And there we will sit and rest us
Under the palm trees shade
And dream that love has blessed us
And joy will never fade
And joy will never fade
Never fade.

For Pauline Elizabeth Potter 1925 - 2009.

Sleeping with strange men and horses

2009-08-14T10:05:00.004+01:00

I realise that the above title could get a few raised eyebrows but when I mentioned to a couple of colleagues at work what I would be doing one weekend in July, raised eyebrows was the least of the reactions.

One of the members of Brython, Francis, invited folk to gather on his land in Wales for a weekend camp. Only a few of us could make it and as I planned to go down I realised that it was possible I would be the only woman there. I was going to an unknown place and staying with people I had never met except online. There would be one person I had met before there for a bit during Saturday evening and it was possible Francis’s wife might join us for a bit but as they have two young children I was aware that she might not be able to join us at all. I was also going to be dependant on those present for food and shelter as I couldn’t carry much with me on the train.

Francis picked me up at a near by train station on arrival and in spite of not having exchanged mobile numbers or descriptions we had no problem at all recognising each other.

The field we camped in is part of a flood plain area with a range of wild grasses, flowers and reeds. Along one side of it is the raised river bank and the other side has trees and bushes growing along it. The view across the river is of hills and mountains. The area is very peaceful and extremely beautiful.

Francis had set up a large tipi tent for sitting in the event of rain (which I also slept in) and had prepared wood for a fire. He had also brought some food down.

The sun was very warm that Saturday afternoon although the ground was still damp from the rain during the previous week. The few of us that arrived earlier in the day sat around and chatted about general things getting to know each other a little better.

Towards the evening a few others arrived. The fire was started in a fire bowl and the wooden hand turned Brython bowl was filled with mead and passed round, each person passing to their right.

After the mead had all been drunk (it went round 3 times before it was all gone) I sang a couple of songs for the gathered tribe. This was something I felt I needed to do while we were all gathered. Francis then took us all on a short walk along the river bank pointing out some aspects of the landscape as we went and telling us of the folklore linked to those areas. Coming back into the field at the other end meant jumping (in my case practically falling into) a ditch. Assistance was provided in the form of strong helping arms to those of us that had problems jumping. We then went back to the fire and started some more formal and in depth discussions about Brython. I won’t go into that here but if you are interested you will find a bit more on the Caer Feddwyd forum.

As it happened one of the others who could only come for a bit in the evening brought his partner with him so I wasn’t the only woman there for the whole time – just most of it.

Later in the evening those who were unable to camp left, the rest of us sat round the camp fire until the rain started at around midnight and we went to our tents to sleep.

The rain continued on and off all night and it was still raining lightly the next morning. We gathered in the large Tipi and sat round chatting as the weather was so poor and a couple of us had to leave by midday. Conversations varied from chainsaws to wind turbines to what sort of thing happens at Druid Network camps (I’ve never been to one and this was a chance to hear a bit more about them from folk that had gone to a few).

Later in the day Francis guided us to the nearby village of Betws-y-Coed where we had hot chocolates and gained further appreciation of plumbing and running hot water.

As we sat drinking and chatting the rain finally cleared up and we went to see a bit more of Francis’s home territory.

Francis first guided us to the area he and others use for summer grazing for their sheep. It is high up and wild with stunning views across the valley and further. On clearer days Snowdon is visible between two nearer peaks but it was obscured by the low clouds on that afternoon. Francis told us how in the past, not that long ago, the whole village would turn out for a celebrations and the trek taking the sheep and cattle up to summer grazing at the beginning of May. They would usually be brought back down at the end of October. The journey up to the summer grazing used to take a couple of days but now it is a matter of hours with livestock in trailers. Also livestock tend to be brought down earlier than they used to be to graze on silage fields where in the past such fields were often used for growing oats.

Our next stop was the beautiful Grey Mare’s Tail waterfall and while walking to the waterfall from the nearby car park Francis told us about the Giant chasing his daughter and her suitor that gave rise to that name. In summary Welsh giants don’t like their daughters marrying because that usually means they die. In this case the giant’s daughter and her suitor fled on a grey mare with a razor, a comb and a mirror. The first time the giant got too close the daughter threw the razor behind them and it became a chasm, the second time she threw the comb down and it became a forest and the third time she threw down the mirror which turned into a lake. The giant was close enough to reach out and make a grab at them and he caught the mare’s tail which came off in his hand. He threw it aside and it transformed into the waterfall Francis took us to see.

The last place we had time to visit was the woods Francis owns and in particular a little clearing with a fire pit and a fantastic view over the valley.

Then it was back to the field for a final goodbye and Francis then took me to the train station for my journey home.

What about the horses? Well the field we camped in had three Welsh mountain ponies in it for summer grazing much to my absolute delight. The stallion was incredibly friendly – so much so that Francis did say he is likely to end up as a riding pony for someone before long. The two mares were much more wary. For me the friendliness of that stallion was a magical experience and if he does end up as a riding pony then I hope it will be for someone who can appreciate the warmth of personality he showed to us over the weekend.

Some may think I am a bit reckless to go off into an unknown territory and meet up with strangers only known from forums but I knew I would be safe. I’ll admit I was nervous but then I often am a bit nervous when meeting people I want to like me for the first time.

I am incredibly grateful to Francis for his hospitality and generosity in both hosting us and sharing something of his bond with the land he lives and works on. It was for me a very magical weekend and it’s wonderful to be able to put some faces to names at last.

Reconstruction, reconnection, reinvention

2009-06-30T15:27:00.004+01:00

Recently on the Caer Feddwyd forum there have been a few threads that stretch into realms of scholarship that I have difficulty keeping pace with. We are blessed in having some truly fine minds sharing information in that forum. These minds raise issues that I either didn’t know about before or hadn’t really considered and then I’m left reeling, almost battered by a storm of ideas and thoughts. If I’m lucky a ray of sunshine breaks through and in a moment of calm I see the world anew, bathed in splendour.

The issue that I have been thinking about the most is reconstruction and its place in modern paganism.

“In discussions of religions of antiquity, “reconstruction” refers to the process of building a model of previous historic and pre-historic traditions, and then examining that model for ideas of how to implement those traditions in a modern, practical sense. The specific definition of “reconstruction” which fits our usage best is, “an interpretation formed by piecing together bits of evidence”.”
From: http://www.paganachd.com/faq/whatiscr.html#reconstruction

“Pagan Reconstructionism (also known as "Recon") is a lesser-known modern Pagan movement, that differs from other types of modern Paganism primarily on its reliance on solid academic and historical sources regarding deities, worship and symbolism.”
From: http://www.ecauldron.net/reconindex.php

My path at present is pretty heavily influenced by ideas within Celtic Reconstruction (CR). I’ve only recently come to learn that in all probability the reliance put upon many of the sources used in CR (such as surviving Irish and Welsh manuscripts) is probably much higher than it should be. Like many modern pagans I had brought into the idea that the Welsh and Irish myths were written down from older oral tales by monks who, understandably, put a Christian gloss on things. I’ve recently come to understand that actually many of these tales were crafted from scratch in medieval times. As I understand it some of them used names and basic characteristics of individuals in older tales but they also added in characteristics that suited the plot they were crafting. Not unlike the re-envisioning of Arthurian stories that has taken place in the fantasy genre of literature such as the well known Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley.

These Welsh and Irish stories are wonderful but they do not contain large amounts of information about how our pagan ancestors might of viewed the gods or about their ritual practices. There maybe the odd snippet but how to tell what is invention of the monk that wrote the story and what is an echo of something much older is probably going to be beyond the vast majority of pagans reading these tales in translated form.

Reconstruction implies a knowledge of what something looked like originally and frankly as far as I can see we simply do not have enough reliable information. I am coming to think that the best information sources we have access to are the archaeological and they are usually open to a wide range of interpretations.

So if we can’t really reconstruct what do we do? One possibility mentioned elsewhere which I like the idea of is Reconnection. This is the idea that we make new associations or relationships with Gods or spirits we know of from inscriptions on shrines and offerings found by archaeologists. We try and reconnect with these beings and learn from them. We try to reconnect with the land, learning to work with the natural rhythms of the land we live on. But reconnection is difficult and because it is about relationships it is also going to be highly personal. We may be able to share some things about our relationships but that doesn’t mean we are going to be able to develop a group perspective on any one deity or spirit. We might manage it eventually but I think it will take a great deal of trust and perseverance.

Perhaps it’s also time to stand up and say openly that what we also need to look at is Reinvention. We will need to create some things again, to remake them in a different form. There is nothing inherently wrong with this but we do need to be able to admit that in some cases we are simply re-inventing practices and stories for our modern age. What we need to be honest about is what parts of our practices are re-inventions.

Perhaps the best way forward will be to take the slender threads of information found by archaeologists and snippets in historical sources, combine them with our own experiences and personal relationships to build a chariot of knowledge and then re-invent the wheels.

Weddings

2009-06-28T22:27:00.003+01:00

In the last week I've had the honour of being the celebrant for two quite different legal Pagan weddings.

On the summer solstice I joined with the Tuatha de Bridget group in Glasgow for a summer solstice ritual with a handfasting included. There was a mixture of members of the Tuatha de Bridget group and friends and family of the couple. The group is described as druidcraft - meaning a mixture of druidry and Wicca. This particlar ritual included honoring the earth, sea and sky and the spirit of the place we were in and calls to the ancestors, Belenus and Brigantia. The handfasting aspect of the ritual was heavily influenced by modern druidry which is what the couple wanted. I think it went well and everyone seemed to enjoy it. It was the first time I've done a handfasting or wedding within a seasonal festival.

On Friday (26th) I was the celebrant for a heathen wedding. I had to do quite a bit of research for it and I've learnt quite a bit. On behalf of the couple I called on Odin, Freya, Thor, Sif, Var, the Disir and the Norns. While I do not have any personal relationship with any of these beings I do feel that my words were heard. A libation was made by the bride's daughter on behalf of the couple. The wedding vows were exchanged while the couple held an oath ring and they later made promises to their children using that same oath ring. It was quite different to anything I had done before and very enjoyable.

It was and is a pleasure and a priviledge to be part of such special days for couples and something I really enjoy doing. It is tiring because you put a huge amount of energy into doing the best you can for each couple but worth it when it all comes together of the day.

So to Rachel & Simon and Cassie & Drew long life and happiness to you and may your Gods guide and bless you.

Death and the continuity of the self

2009-06-04T22:58:00.003+01:00

Recently I have been musing about death and existence beyond it. For as long asI can remember I have believed in the existence of something beyond this life we live and yet...

And yet I have nothing really that reinforces this belief. I have sometimes felt that I can feel presences around me of those I have known and loved who have died but is that just wishful thinking? I've never received any kind of clear message that confirms that there are ancestral spirits around me.

I like the idea of reincarnation in some shape or form but I have no explanation of how it might work. Apart from one strange instance where I either remembered being a tree or simply saw myself as one for a brief moment in time I have nothing really concrete to support the feeling that I may have walked this world before. I know some poeple that have experienced memories in regression that make them certain that they have lived before but for myself I am uncomfortable with the idea of regression. I think that even if I did seem to remember something I would always wonder if it was real or just my imagination fueled by the many fiction books I have read.

On my way home yesterday on the bus I was thinking about these things for what is probably the millionth time at least and I finally came to understand that it doesn't really matter.

If I live beyond this life in some way I probably will not remember this life just as now I have no memory of any past experience. I have some knowledge of some of my ancestors, they live on in my blood and my limited memories of them. I have the precious knowledge of my own blood descendants, my children. If I can pass on stories of family members that they will never know to them then in some small way those people will live on. If, in their turn, they have children and pass stories of previous generations on then I will live on not only in their blood but in their memories.

I will never know for certain if there is anything else but it doesn't matter to me any more (or rather that I will never really know the answer no longer matters I will simply carry on believing that there is more to existence than this life). What matters is my blood and something of my story. This is my legacy to the future just as my blood and the stories of my ancestors are my inheritance.

Priesthood

2009-06-01T13:30:00.007+01:00

What is it to be a priest in a pagan community? This is a question I keep coming back to and I'm still not certain I have a convincing answer.

Most dictionaries I have looked at give definitions of a priest as one who act as a mediator between god/s and people and who perform rites of sacrifice and celebration. The word itself comes from the Greek presbyteros meaning "elder". Some dictionaries will give a definition of someone ordained in a Christian church to consecrate the bread and wine for Mass.

In most pagan communities individuals are encouraged to develop their own relationships with their gods, to make their own offerings and sacrifices. Individuals are usually encouraged to develop their skills so that they can craft their own rites and rituals. My own experiences show that some simply don't want to do learn how to craft rituals for groups or indeed for themselves but prefer to let others craft rites where they can take part.

There are also times in life where you don't want to be writing and or leading a ritual such as a wedding or a funeral - most people at these times want someone else to act as a celebrant.

Some months ago a discussion took place on one of the forums I belong to on what a priest should be. The following is my summary of ideas from that discussion:

A priest would most importantly be expected to serve the community and the gods. They would expected be able to communicate effectively with both the gods and the members of the community and if necessary negotiate between them. They would be expected to be a well known figure in the community and an exemplar to all within it. They would be expected to be willing and able to share their experience and knowledge to aid members of the community in both spiritual and practical matters. They should be willing and able to share what they have learnt and to continue their own learning.

A priest within a community would be expected to enable members to celebrate ritual in a deep and meaningful way, they would not necessarily lead all rituals but would be capable of doing so as required. They would also be expected to be able to act as a celebrant for namings, weddings, funerals and other rites of passage as required.

I think the key to this role is service and in order to be a priest as defined above you must have a community that you serve and a community that recognises your service.

Honouring my ancestors

2009-05-09T23:23:00.003+01:00

At Samhain I did something new in my private rituals. I made a pot of tea and poured a cup for my ancestors. It felt right at the time. I've been thinking about this on and off since then and had decided to do this more often. I've been planning to get some loose leaf tea and make a pot of tea to share with the ancestors but today I felt strongly that I needed to make a beginning even though I do not yet have any loose leaf tea.

So I boiled the kettle (with fresh water), warmed the pot, popped in a tea bag and brewed a pot of tea. I have a small and rather beautiful bone china cup and saucer that I used at Samhain for the ancestor's tea and I used the same cup today. I know that most of my recent ancestors liked a cup of tea and while preparing the tea I thought about them and talked to them.

I left the cup of tea on the shelf by photos of my more recent ancestors until cold with a biscuit and a few grapes. It felt like the right thing to do. It felt good doing this and drinking tea from the pot, sharing tea with them as I would with other freinds and family.

I intend to repeat this ritual sharing of a cup of tea regularly, probably every full moon and hopefully with some good quality loose leaf tea in the future too.

Of names and naming

2009-05-09T22:41:00.002+01:00

Recently in a couple of the forums I am a member of the subject of god names has been raised. The discussions have got me thinking about the way we choose names for ourselves and others.

The name my parents chose for me is Pauline and one of the reasons they chose that name was after my maternal grandmother - apparently I looked like her at birth. For those not in the know Pauline is the feminine form of Paul and means small. While I'm not exactly tall, I'm not exactly small either - I'm short for my weight in fact :)

In a meditation a few years ago I gained the name Potia which I use in Pagan circles for a number of reasons. Recently I have found out it means Powerful Lady or Mistress. I don't think I would have chosen to use that name as widely as I have if I had known sooner what it means but it's part of me now. I find myself wondering if I live up to it in any way or even if I want to live up to it. In one sense I am my own mistress but I also choose to do what I can to serve my community. I have more power in my life choices than many of my female ancestors would have had and yet my life is still restricted. Many of those restrictions are ones I have chosen freely though and wouldn't change such as those that come with being a parent.

And that leads me to another of my names and the one I like best - mummy. This one is one I share with many other women and is a much more descriptive name which leads me back to the discussions I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Names in our ancient past were not picked out of a hat but were descriptive in some way of the individual. Gods names were, and still are, descriptive of the being in some way and this is something many forget - including me sometimes. I seek to deepen my relationships with my gods, I seek to learn more of them and sometimes I forget that the names we know them by will tell me much about them. More than my names will tell anyone of me.

Beltane Blessings

2009-05-01T09:17:00.003+01:00

Over the last week I have been watching the hawthorns, looking for the first blossoms. I spotted the first ones a little earlier in the week but now there are more beginning to come out. Yesterday evening the sky cleared as dusk fell and I felt that the dance of the seasons had changed it's rhythm once more. It was time for me to bid the Cailleach a peaceful summer's rest and to greet the strengthening lord of the summer, Belenos.

So out I went into the garden late last night and offered my libations to the gods of my tribe, to the changing seasons and to my descendants both tangible and intangible. The links of this season to fertility and growth are well known but the results of fertility in our species are our descendants. At Samahin we honour our ancestors and our past, to me Beltane is becoming the time to honour our descendants and to consider the future.

I am blessed with two lovely children, a son and a daughter. My son is growing tall and strong and showing signs of becoming a caring and loving young man with a keen mind. I am very proud of him. My little daughter in this last week has taken a leap in her language skills and each day now brings new words. She is a little sweetheart and it's not just me that says so. The word for this morning from my little sweetheart is "go"...

May this time of change bring you blessings of warmth, joy, family and friends.

Call of the Cailleach

2009-04-06T10:40:00.004+01:00

Last week I worked on an article for the Cailleach that I'd promised to do.

I ended up with two versions, one for hopeful publication and one with much more personal information in it that will form the basis of a talk I will be doing at the Pagan Federation Scotland conference on Sat 25th April.

I felt urged to do this last week and I didn't know why but I completed drafts on Friday.

This morning I heard that the grandmother of a friend died on Sunday. My thoughts are with him and his family in their time of loss.

I find myself wondering at the timing. It is often around death and grief that experiences of the Cailleach can be the most profound as I know from my own expereinces.

I felt moved to sing a gaelic chant that I sang for my grandfather when he died. The words mean "Seek the heavenly light".

May the souls of the departed rest in peace.

Stand up for Autism - World Autism Awareness Day

2009-04-02T09:20:00.003+01:00

Today has been designated World Autism Awareness Day by the UN. From an email I received from the National Autism Society about this:

"Stand up for Autism is the theme chosen for World Autism Awareness Day in the UK for this year. The theme is intended to unite people in their support of the cause and their pledge to make a stand."

A few months ago a member of my family was diagnosed with Autism. It wasn't a total surprise but it still came as a bit of a shock to hear the words. The advice I have received from the National Autism Society has been very helpful. I've also received some wonderful support from other family members and freinds and I am deeply grateful for that support.

People are learning more about Autistic Spectrum Disorders but more still needs to be done to raise awareness and get people the long term support they need.

Please help to raise awareness today if not any other day.

Gods

2009-03-26T16:50:00.000Z

In various places and on various mailing lists and forums the question "what are the gods?" is raised. In some ways I find it easier to say what I think they are not than what I think they are.

I do not believe in an all powerful, all knowing deity. I believe in the existence of many beings referred to as gods. In other words I am a polytheist.

I do not believe in a perfect god. I believe that the gods are more knowledgeable than I am, more tuned in with natural energies and more powerful but not perfect in any way.

I do not believe in an always loving and gentle god of any kind. In my experience the gods are subject to moods similar to human ones, they have their own moral structures and these may not be similar to our human ones. If they feel that treating you harshly will teach you a lesson about something then I think they may well do that and you may not know it's a lesson until sometime later.

I do not believe the gods stick to one appearance. Why should they when we don't? I believe that appearance for the gods is a matter of choice. If they ever had a body like our human ones they don't any more so why be tied down to one set of features.? They may have favourite features but that doesn't mean they will always appear looking that way.

Currently I believe the gods have evolved into beings of energy that no longer need a physical form. I'm not at all sure what they may have evolved from or even if they have all evolved from the same root.

In short I believe the gods are complex, evolved beings that choose to share something of themselves with us for their own reasons and those reasons can vary from god to god.

So what is a Brythonic polytheist?

2009-03-22T22:39:00.000Z

This is my take on what a brythonic polytheist is and others may well disagree.

First a polytheist is someone who believes in the existence of many gods. In my experience they usually follow a small number of these gods and will acknowledge the existence of many others.

Brythonic - the free dictionary gives a definition of brythonic as an adjective of "Of or relating to the Brythons or their language or culture." and as a noun of "the S group of Celtic languages, consisting of Welsh, Cornish, and Breton ". I think most dictionaries would give similar definitions.

It is the former defintion which applies the most to my interpretation of what a brythonic polytheist is. Historically the Brythons were the peoples that inhabited the mainland of Britian before the Romans came. It is known that the majority of these peoples spoke a range of p-celtic languages. The modern descendants of these languages are Welsh, Cornish and Breton. According to linguists Pictish is generally agreed to have been a p-celtic language.

Using the defintions of brythonic and polytheist given above I would currently describe a brythonic polytheist to be one who believes in the the gods of the peoples living in mainland Britian before the Romans invaded. In my case I am particularly interested in the gods that may have been known and worshipped in what is now the South West of Scotland.

The tough part of that is finding out about those gods and developing relationships with them!

How to find a pagan path

2009-03-22T22:16:00.000Z

Today I was asked how you find your pagan path. At first I recommended reading up on the basics of the main paths and gave the example of the Pagan Federation site and seeing what sparked interest. Further discussion led to me trying to give an overview of modern druidry from the point of view of one who once said she walked in that forest but has now left. I was also asked what my path was now to which I replied that at present if pushed I would describe it as a Brythonic polytheist path.

I later said that at one time I thought I knew what path I was on but I didn't really know and that doesn't bother me at all. It has become less about the labels and the destinations and more about the journey. What matters to me most are the connections I make alonog the way. Everything changes, deny that and you deny a basic fact of existence but the relationships you build, the moments of sweet connection - that is where you will find the magic. And in the magic of those connections you can find such joy, such wonder that your life can be transformed anew.

I don't know where my journey will lead me and I don't really care anymore. It is the journey itself that has become the most important and each of us must find our own way on that journey. For a while though we can walk side by side or sit awhile and share the view.

My beliefs - web of connection

2009-03-18T15:26:00.000Z

I find it very difficult to explain in writing what I do believe but I am going to try.

Some years ago now I had what would best be called a vision while meditating to some music. In that vision I felt myself to be at the centre of all things with threads of golden light reaching out from me and flowing to me. Some of these threads moved in a straight line and others spiraled forming a web with me at the centre. At each point that the threads crossed each other was something like a flame and the more threads crossed at any point, the brighter the flame. This vision then changed in perspective and instead of being at the centre I was suddenly containing this web within me. I was both at it's centre and holding it within me.

To me each of these threads symbolises an interaction with another life and each flame an individual being. The more I interact with a particular being the stronger that thread becomes and the more powerful an individual the stronger the light of the flame to my senses.

At a later date I had a follow on vision from this where I could, for want of a better term, zoom in and out with my perceptions of this web. As I normally see it you and I would be flames, more powerful spirits larger flames and gods would seem like a bonfire but a blade of grass or an insect would not really be visible excepts as a general background glow. When I altered my perception and zoomed in each blade of grass became a flame and you and I like bonfires with gods being like suns. Zooming out past my usual vision saw the gods as flames and us as the background glow.

In my normal vision of the web the gods are bonfires or even brighter, like stars. Just like people they can vary in strength of presence, just like us and every other species in this world, they are unique yet interconnected. How they come to be as bright as they are I'm not sure but part of it I think is the sheer number of threads flowing through that nexus point.

These vision experiences were both brief moments but for me incredibly profound. What has become more important to me are my interactions with that web, the threads of light connecting all things and yet allowing individuality and uniqueness within that web.

I see all existence as a web. I see individual beings as a point where threads meet and cross. I see interactions as the individual threads of the web.

First Principles

2009-03-18T15:16:00.001Z

The words of another seeker encouraged me to look at what principles are the most important to me. I had to do some thinking to figure this out but essentially there are three things that have guided me for much if not all of my life. These are Love, Truth and Duty.

The most important one of these for me is Love. If I was to use one statement to illustrate what I mean by this I would turn to the new testament of the Bible and borrow the phrase “Love thy neighbour as thyself”.

Truth is something I seek and try to live by. I do not mean just telling the truth as I see it but walking my talk – or at least trying to – in all I do. To me Truth can be a multi faceted gem, we see maybe one or two faces of it clearly but some is obscured and some reflected. My truth is not necessarily the complete truth or the only truth but in seeking to walk in truth I hope to learn more of others and for others to learn more of me.

Duty is another difficult thing to explain. By duty I do not mean to do my duty as others see it but to do my duty as I see it. To serve to the best of my ability those that I have chosen to serve. To balance my duty to myself with the duties I have chosen to take on for others. Duty and service are closely entwined for me.

These are the principles that I believe have guided me all my life and are likely to continue to guide me in the future.

Beginnings

2009-03-17T16:46:00.000Z

I am going to use this place to record some of my thoughts and feelings about my spiritual journey. As a spiritual journey can touch all aspects of life there maybe posts about a wide range of things in the future but the journey will unfold as it will.

I am a polytheist pagan living and working in Scotland and I have been a pagan for just over a decade now. I'm a member of the Pagan Federation (Scotland) and of the Druid Network. At one stage I called myself a Druid but I no longer do that. I used to say I walked in the forest of druidry but I'm not sure I really do that now either. I am a member of Brython and I'm still exploring what that means to me. I am also a legal celebrant and have had the honour and priviledge of leading both weddings and funerals for members of the pagan community and others.

Let the journey continue.