Dear Grandma,
I miss you! We didn't always get along well but in the last few days I've found myself wondering what you would make of the choices I have had to make in my life in the last year. I know you would be proud of the way I lost weight and have kept nearly all of it off for over a year now. I didn't start lossing the wieght until after you had died though.
Today would have been your birthday. Is that why you have been in my thoughts so much? Or is it just I wish I had some of your strength? I see you in my mind, younger and fitter than you were at the end, dressed up, wearing lovely jewellry and out dancing. I never saw you dancing but I know you loved it when you were younger and that you used to watch Strictly Come Dancing and then talk to mum on the phone afterwards about it.
Grandma, I'm finding things hard to cope with at the moment. It's not wrong to want a little happiness for yourself is it? You didn't seem to think so. You fought for what you wanted, sometimes it seemed as if you didn't mind trampling on others as long as you got what you wanted. I fight but I'm often questioning if I'm doing the right things, making the right choices. I think I am but it's hard to know sometimes. I think I could do with a little of your single minded certainty.
Four years ago today was also my daughter's naming ceremony. You couldn't be there but you were so pleased we'd picked your birthday for it. Your youngest great-granddaughter is growing up fast. She's got the family tendancy for performing. Mum oftens says she reminds her of the things I did as a child of that age. Singing, dancing and performing. I don't think I was ever bothered about hats and shoes though. And I'm pretty sure I couldn't speak any Spanish at all at that age, I can hardly speck any now! Rose knows quite a bit thanks to her favourite TV programmes. Rose also loves getting new clothes and new shoes and dressing up to look nice. Shades of you there I think :)
Rowan is growing so tall now. He'd be a bit taller than you now I think. He sometimes looks at the photo I have of you and granddad and says he misses you. He didn't know you that well but he remembers. You'd be so proud of them both. I am.
I hope you're happy now grandma. I hope you have your sight back fully and your fitness. Do you get to go shopping in the summerlands I wonder? Wouldn't be much of a heaven for you if you couldn't shop for bargains sometimes would it?
I love you grandma and I miss you. I love and miss granddad too and I hope he's enjoying double ham, eggs and chips followed by pudding with custard as often as he wants now, while listening to some lovely organ music of course.
Lots of Love,
Pauline. xxx
Friday, 10 February 2012
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Old year, new year
2011 was not an easy year for me. I did manage to keep my weight down which given the various stresses I've been under I feel quite proud of but I think I've probably cried more this year than I have for many years. In spite of all the stress and difficulties I have been dealing with though I have also found a happiness that I never expected I would find. I have found myself more able to be the woman I was inside. The woman that had to be careful what she said and did so as not to cause problems at home no longer has to be as watchful. There are now times when I am actually encouraged to drop the masks and let go of my emotions and that still feels odd.
The winter festivals of Eponalia, Winter Solstice and Midwinter were not the easiest for me. Eponalia and Midwinter (aka Christmas) were both at weekends and I was unable to be with my children for those. I did make a bigger deal of the Winter Solstice with the kids than I had done in previous years though.
Eponalia for me was very much about acknowledging and embracing the darkness as well as honouring Epona and horses generally. I got to write and lead the local Tuatha de Bridget group ritual and these things were the focus for that ritual. Interestingly enough it was a beautiful bright winter's day for that ritual.
On previous winter solstices I had started a tradition of going for a walk with my son around the local houses and looking at their decorations and lights. Last year (2010) the weather had been too cold, snowy and icy for us to continue that but this time the weather was fairly mild so out we all went. My nephews and niece joined us too making 5 kids and 1 adult. This was the first time my little girl could join us and every time she saw new decorations she shouted "Lights! Lights!" and bouncing up and down with excitement. She also kept wanting to knock on the doors and I had to explain that we didn't do that at this time of year, that was a halloween thing. After the walk I gave presents to all the kids as I wouldn't be seeing them on Christmas day until the evening and they all had fun opening them.
Midwinter (or Christmas) was a quiet one, probably the quietest I have had for years, but although I missed the children I did have a good time and it really felt like the light was coming back and not just the physical light.
New year's eve was also quiet as again I was away from the children. I spent it with the new love of my life though and it felt really wonderful to be with him.
So here I am in the early days of 2012. Next week the children return to school and nursery and I return to work. Later this month I will have the first court hearing connected with my divorce and early next month will be the second one. Hopefully this year will see the divorce completed and I will be able to start moving on in more ways than one.
Life is full of changes, some more traumatic than others. May this year be filled with changes for the better for all of my readers.
The winter festivals of Eponalia, Winter Solstice and Midwinter were not the easiest for me. Eponalia and Midwinter (aka Christmas) were both at weekends and I was unable to be with my children for those. I did make a bigger deal of the Winter Solstice with the kids than I had done in previous years though.
Eponalia for me was very much about acknowledging and embracing the darkness as well as honouring Epona and horses generally. I got to write and lead the local Tuatha de Bridget group ritual and these things were the focus for that ritual. Interestingly enough it was a beautiful bright winter's day for that ritual.
On previous winter solstices I had started a tradition of going for a walk with my son around the local houses and looking at their decorations and lights. Last year (2010) the weather had been too cold, snowy and icy for us to continue that but this time the weather was fairly mild so out we all went. My nephews and niece joined us too making 5 kids and 1 adult. This was the first time my little girl could join us and every time she saw new decorations she shouted "Lights! Lights!" and bouncing up and down with excitement. She also kept wanting to knock on the doors and I had to explain that we didn't do that at this time of year, that was a halloween thing. After the walk I gave presents to all the kids as I wouldn't be seeing them on Christmas day until the evening and they all had fun opening them.
Midwinter (or Christmas) was a quiet one, probably the quietest I have had for years, but although I missed the children I did have a good time and it really felt like the light was coming back and not just the physical light.
New year's eve was also quiet as again I was away from the children. I spent it with the new love of my life though and it felt really wonderful to be with him.
So here I am in the early days of 2012. Next week the children return to school and nursery and I return to work. Later this month I will have the first court hearing connected with my divorce and early next month will be the second one. Hopefully this year will see the divorce completed and I will be able to start moving on in more ways than one.
Life is full of changes, some more traumatic than others. May this year be filled with changes for the better for all of my readers.
Sunday, 20 November 2011
Winters days, winters nights.
On Saturday I went up to the Perth and Kinross area of Scotland and visited two stone circles with a dear friend. Neither are of these sites are marked by signs and although both are relatively near roads they are off single track roads.
The first one in particular, Blackfaulds stone circle, looked as if it hadn't had any human visitors for a very long time. The circle is in an area of woodland with your birch and oak trees surrounding it and within the circle. Although it is close to the road it is not easy to spot as the stones are low and almost entirely covered in moss and lichens. Over the past few months I've been able to visit many stone circles and each one has it's own atmosphere and energies which is as you would expect. Standing in this one I felt a tremendous sense of the age of the land. I also felt stretched out between the land beneath me and the sky above me. The day was fine with blue skies and mild temperatures. There was barely a breath of breeze but the quality of light was just amazing. As I looked around me I could see threads of light glinting and glimmering between the surrounding trees. The area was surrounded with fine webs and as the sky breathed around us they shimmered with the light of the sun.
One of the most striking things about this particular place is that it is at this time of year that it will see the most light surrounded as it is by trees. In the spring and summer months it may well be almost impossible to spot and much harder to visit too. What light reaches the stones at that time of year will be patchy and dappled green. But now with the last few leaves still clinging onto the branches, in a time of growing darkness this stone circle sees the winters light.
From that circle we went just a short distance to another in a clearing within forestry commission forest off a track better suited to tractors and land-rovers than cars. This circle is called Druids' Seat. It's further away from the road and not easy to spot from it but the clearing is visible through the trees and when you start moving towards it you can see the largest of the stones reasonably easily. This area was once much more overgrown and the signs of tree stumps are all around the clearing. The grass round and in the circle itself was shorter and flatter than that in the surrounding area leading us to think that this site got a few more visitors. Again the quality of light was just amazing but one of the strongest features of this circle was the smells. The air was rich with a scent very similar to good quality mushrooms cooking. I tracked this scent down to a type of fungus growing on the tree stumps. Again the energies of this place were strong. When I stood on the outside of the largest of the stones the energies seemed to be flowing up from the ground into the air with a tangible resistance in the air about six inches away from the surface. When I stood on the other side the energies pulled me in so I practically fell forward with hands outstretched to make contact with the top of the stone. From the inside of the circle it felt as if energy was being drawn from me and everything else on that side and then channelled up and out of the other side of the stone. I couldn't stand there for long as my hands got incredibly cold. This wasn't hostile in any way just a powerful sensation.
As has become our custom before we departed these circles we made our own offerings of energy for the spirits of land in those places to use as they willed.
We looked for a couple of other stone circle sites but were not as successful in finding ones that we could visit even with the aid of the sat-nav. So we headed off to another site near Loch Tay - Acharn Falls. We weren't sure what we would find here as the site was listed under megaliths but the name suggested waterfalls. Now I've looked at the records of the area I can now see why. There is a stone circle in the area but we didn't find that but we did find a sign pointing us in the direction of a circular walk for the Falls of Acharn.
What we didn't know is that the walk also led to a place the sign calles the "hermit's cave" which turned out to be a wonderful place to view the waterfall. We walked up a steep track and went through hermit's cave (a man made underground passage) which has an exit overlooking the waterfall. We got there just before dusk and stood there listening to the sounds of the water and nature around us and watching the light fade as the clouds gathered and dusk began to envelop us. It was a simply magical place and to be there at a such a liminal time just added to the whole effect.
Finally, after we had walked down the hill back to the car in the growing dark we stopped by Loch Tay itself and watched for a while as the darkness grew. There was a patch of lighter sky visible through the clouds which reflected in the water. As the dark grew and clouds moved across the sky so the reflection moved over the water. There were barely any sounds of traffic although you could see the sporadic passing lights of cars on the road by the other side of the loch reflecting in the water. We stood there by the Crannog Centre (which is well worth a visit by the way) listening to the sound of the water lapping the edge of the shore. It was very easy to understand why our ancient ancestors seemed to think of rivers and lakes as living presences standing there.
Finally we returned to Glasgow in the darkness of a mild wintersnight.
Later in the evening we reflected on the words Heron wrote on the Caer Feddwyd Forum for Wintersnights and shared a toast in honour of the changing season. The whole day had turned out to be one of reflection on the changing season, of the growing dark and of the hope of light within that darkness. Wintersdays and wintersnights.
The first one in particular, Blackfaulds stone circle, looked as if it hadn't had any human visitors for a very long time. The circle is in an area of woodland with your birch and oak trees surrounding it and within the circle. Although it is close to the road it is not easy to spot as the stones are low and almost entirely covered in moss and lichens. Over the past few months I've been able to visit many stone circles and each one has it's own atmosphere and energies which is as you would expect. Standing in this one I felt a tremendous sense of the age of the land. I also felt stretched out between the land beneath me and the sky above me. The day was fine with blue skies and mild temperatures. There was barely a breath of breeze but the quality of light was just amazing. As I looked around me I could see threads of light glinting and glimmering between the surrounding trees. The area was surrounded with fine webs and as the sky breathed around us they shimmered with the light of the sun.
One of the most striking things about this particular place is that it is at this time of year that it will see the most light surrounded as it is by trees. In the spring and summer months it may well be almost impossible to spot and much harder to visit too. What light reaches the stones at that time of year will be patchy and dappled green. But now with the last few leaves still clinging onto the branches, in a time of growing darkness this stone circle sees the winters light.
From that circle we went just a short distance to another in a clearing within forestry commission forest off a track better suited to tractors and land-rovers than cars. This circle is called Druids' Seat. It's further away from the road and not easy to spot from it but the clearing is visible through the trees and when you start moving towards it you can see the largest of the stones reasonably easily. This area was once much more overgrown and the signs of tree stumps are all around the clearing. The grass round and in the circle itself was shorter and flatter than that in the surrounding area leading us to think that this site got a few more visitors. Again the quality of light was just amazing but one of the strongest features of this circle was the smells. The air was rich with a scent very similar to good quality mushrooms cooking. I tracked this scent down to a type of fungus growing on the tree stumps. Again the energies of this place were strong. When I stood on the outside of the largest of the stones the energies seemed to be flowing up from the ground into the air with a tangible resistance in the air about six inches away from the surface. When I stood on the other side the energies pulled me in so I practically fell forward with hands outstretched to make contact with the top of the stone. From the inside of the circle it felt as if energy was being drawn from me and everything else on that side and then channelled up and out of the other side of the stone. I couldn't stand there for long as my hands got incredibly cold. This wasn't hostile in any way just a powerful sensation.
As has become our custom before we departed these circles we made our own offerings of energy for the spirits of land in those places to use as they willed.
We looked for a couple of other stone circle sites but were not as successful in finding ones that we could visit even with the aid of the sat-nav. So we headed off to another site near Loch Tay - Acharn Falls. We weren't sure what we would find here as the site was listed under megaliths but the name suggested waterfalls. Now I've looked at the records of the area I can now see why. There is a stone circle in the area but we didn't find that but we did find a sign pointing us in the direction of a circular walk for the Falls of Acharn.
What we didn't know is that the walk also led to a place the sign calles the "hermit's cave" which turned out to be a wonderful place to view the waterfall. We walked up a steep track and went through hermit's cave (a man made underground passage) which has an exit overlooking the waterfall. We got there just before dusk and stood there listening to the sounds of the water and nature around us and watching the light fade as the clouds gathered and dusk began to envelop us. It was a simply magical place and to be there at a such a liminal time just added to the whole effect.
Finally, after we had walked down the hill back to the car in the growing dark we stopped by Loch Tay itself and watched for a while as the darkness grew. There was a patch of lighter sky visible through the clouds which reflected in the water. As the dark grew and clouds moved across the sky so the reflection moved over the water. There were barely any sounds of traffic although you could see the sporadic passing lights of cars on the road by the other side of the loch reflecting in the water. We stood there by the Crannog Centre (which is well worth a visit by the way) listening to the sound of the water lapping the edge of the shore. It was very easy to understand why our ancient ancestors seemed to think of rivers and lakes as living presences standing there.
Finally we returned to Glasgow in the darkness of a mild wintersnight.
Later in the evening we reflected on the words Heron wrote on the Caer Feddwyd Forum for Wintersnights and shared a toast in honour of the changing season. The whole day had turned out to be one of reflection on the changing season, of the growing dark and of the hope of light within that darkness. Wintersdays and wintersnights.
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
The Marcus Cocceius Firmus Altars
As requested below a few photos of the unique group of altars found along the Antonine wall at Auchendavy.
The group of five altars all dedicated by Marcus Cocceius Firmus. The one on the far right is the one to the Spirit of Britain and next to that is the one that mentions Epona.
Altar to various deities including Mars and Epona
Close up of the inscription of the altar mentioning Epona
Close up of the unique altar to the Spirit of Britain
Monday, 17 October 2011
Altar to Epona
Most of you reading this will know how dear to my heart Epona is and has been for many years. While she is best known from inscriptions across Gaul there is one that was found in Scotland at Auchendavy which was once a fort along the Antonine Wall.
Last weekend I got the chance to visit the re-opened Hunterian museum at the University of Glasgow and the new permanent exhibition on the Antonine Wall: Rome's Final Frontier. The exhibition includes a set of five altars each dedicated to a different deity/being or group of beings and all commissioned by the same individual, Marcus Cocceius Firmus, centurion of the Second Augustan Legion. One of those is the one that includes Epona and next to it is one dedicated to the Spirit of Britain.
I was simply overjoyed to see these altars and I expect I'll be going back many times to visit them.
Last weekend I got the chance to visit the re-opened Hunterian museum at the University of Glasgow and the new permanent exhibition on the Antonine Wall: Rome's Final Frontier. The exhibition includes a set of five altars each dedicated to a different deity/being or group of beings and all commissioned by the same individual, Marcus Cocceius Firmus, centurion of the Second Augustan Legion. One of those is the one that includes Epona and next to it is one dedicated to the Spirit of Britain.
I was simply overjoyed to see these altars and I expect I'll be going back many times to visit them.
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Life
Those of you that keep an eye on my blog may be wondering about the silence here recently. It's simple really - life!
I'm separating from husband and intend to get divorced. I never thought I'd do that but you change and sometimes those changes are more drastic that you ever would have expected. Needless to say it is a stressful process but one I feel I have made the right choice about even though it is hard.
My wonderful and autistic son has recently changed schools from a mainstream primary into an autistic unit connected to another primary school. On the whole he does like his new school but there have been difficulties too. It's early days though and I'm hopeful that things will settle down a bit more as he gets more familiar with the way things are done at his new school.
My darling daughter is being much better at nursery school this year which is a relief but there are times when she pushes things too. She's developing quite a knowledge of Spanish via the Dora the Explorer TV programme and can count to ten in English, Spanish and German. I think she may prove to be much better at languages than her mummy :)
And then there's work which is not being as stressful as it has been at times in the past for me personally but it's not an easy time for most Universities right now and the one I am both a graduate and an employee of is no exception.
What one thing and another I often don't have the energy to even start to write something for this blog. And recently when I have had the energy I haven't been able to find the words. Today seems to be an exception.
Hopefully things will get better soon.
I'm separating from husband and intend to get divorced. I never thought I'd do that but you change and sometimes those changes are more drastic that you ever would have expected. Needless to say it is a stressful process but one I feel I have made the right choice about even though it is hard.
My wonderful and autistic son has recently changed schools from a mainstream primary into an autistic unit connected to another primary school. On the whole he does like his new school but there have been difficulties too. It's early days though and I'm hopeful that things will settle down a bit more as he gets more familiar with the way things are done at his new school.
My darling daughter is being much better at nursery school this year which is a relief but there are times when she pushes things too. She's developing quite a knowledge of Spanish via the Dora the Explorer TV programme and can count to ten in English, Spanish and German. I think she may prove to be much better at languages than her mummy :)
And then there's work which is not being as stressful as it has been at times in the past for me personally but it's not an easy time for most Universities right now and the one I am both a graduate and an employee of is no exception.
What one thing and another I often don't have the energy to even start to write something for this blog. And recently when I have had the energy I haven't been able to find the words. Today seems to be an exception.
Hopefully things will get better soon.
Monday, 15 August 2011
Experiences with Yew
Like many with an interest in druidry (and that is where I started in Paganism) I have a fondness for trees and am a self confessed tree hugger. One type of tree which has continually fascinated me over the years is the Yew. I first did a meditation to commune with the spirit of Yew in September 1999 after a Spirit of the North Gathering (SONG) at Ford castle in Northumbria and an experience there of singing under some yew trees.
On that first meditation with Yew I met two spirits one male and one female whose appearance kept changing from young to old and back again. At that time this was very disorientating for me so I asked them to take on one form and they picked the appearance of an old woman and old man with twinkling young eyes. They seemed somehow ageless and yet ancient at the same time. Their message for me at that time was about the importance of living in the present moment. The past and future were important yes, but if you dwell too much on either you forget to make the most of your present. It's a lesson that I continually try and keep in mind.
I will admit that I haven't done much further meditation with Yew since that time but I have often spent a bit of time communing with yew trees I have come across. I have also used parts of yew trees in healing spells for others from time to time.
Recently the yew tree has been making its presence felt in my life in a different way.
When I visited north Wales in early May our host, Stephen, took us on a walk along a river and past the ruins of a village (written about in Brython gathering May 2011 which was a visit at the end of May to the same place). Near those ruins I was pulled towards a yew tree. I stood beneath it's branches and reached out to touch it. I asked it for cleansing and healing of some of the negativity I was experiencing at that time. As I did so I began to feel a welling up of energy inside me, it grew within me centred around my heart and then erupted out of me as if I was being sick. This happened three times with the physical effects of the third time in particular making me double over and practically retch it was so powerful. After that I moved away from under the branches shaking like a leaf myself. When I had recovered a bit I moved in again and offered some water near the roots of the tree.
I visited that tree again when I returned to the area for the Brython gathering but at that time the effects with the yew were not the same - probably because I had already undergone a powerful cleansing ritual not long before visiting the tree.
Last weekend I had the opportunity of visiting the Fortingall Yew. It wasn't a planned visit, I was actually up visiting the Scottish Crannog Centre and while there discovered that the Fortingall Yew was only 7 miles away so naturally made a detour to see it. While this beautiful ancient tree is now protected by a wall and railings you can still get close enough to it to touch its outermost branches and it was a privilege to be in the presence of what is described as the oldest living thing in Europe. I didn't reach out to it with anything in particular in mind, I just wanted to say hello. I didn't expect what happened. In a similar way to my experience in Wales energy started to gather within me centred around my heart. I was able to use the wall and railings as support as this energy was pulled out of me again as if I was being sick. Again I physically felt as if I was about to retch and was pulled over towards the wall. This happened twice and it it was pretty powerful both times.
It seems that there is something within me that the yew tree is cleansing me of, probably emotional in nature I suspect. I had to move further away from the tree for a bit but when I had recovered a little I moved closer and tied a small thread of wool I had handspun earlier that day to a branch as a gift in return for the cleansing.
I am grateful to the yew for these experiences and for what seems to be a purging or cleansing but I wish that the effects of it were a little less physical! I intend to try and fit in a shamanic style journey in the near future to speak to a yew spirit about these experiences as I suspect there is more to be learned.
On that first meditation with Yew I met two spirits one male and one female whose appearance kept changing from young to old and back again. At that time this was very disorientating for me so I asked them to take on one form and they picked the appearance of an old woman and old man with twinkling young eyes. They seemed somehow ageless and yet ancient at the same time. Their message for me at that time was about the importance of living in the present moment. The past and future were important yes, but if you dwell too much on either you forget to make the most of your present. It's a lesson that I continually try and keep in mind.
I will admit that I haven't done much further meditation with Yew since that time but I have often spent a bit of time communing with yew trees I have come across. I have also used parts of yew trees in healing spells for others from time to time.
Recently the yew tree has been making its presence felt in my life in a different way.
When I visited north Wales in early May our host, Stephen, took us on a walk along a river and past the ruins of a village (written about in Brython gathering May 2011 which was a visit at the end of May to the same place). Near those ruins I was pulled towards a yew tree. I stood beneath it's branches and reached out to touch it. I asked it for cleansing and healing of some of the negativity I was experiencing at that time. As I did so I began to feel a welling up of energy inside me, it grew within me centred around my heart and then erupted out of me as if I was being sick. This happened three times with the physical effects of the third time in particular making me double over and practically retch it was so powerful. After that I moved away from under the branches shaking like a leaf myself. When I had recovered a bit I moved in again and offered some water near the roots of the tree.
I visited that tree again when I returned to the area for the Brython gathering but at that time the effects with the yew were not the same - probably because I had already undergone a powerful cleansing ritual not long before visiting the tree.
Last weekend I had the opportunity of visiting the Fortingall Yew. It wasn't a planned visit, I was actually up visiting the Scottish Crannog Centre and while there discovered that the Fortingall Yew was only 7 miles away so naturally made a detour to see it. While this beautiful ancient tree is now protected by a wall and railings you can still get close enough to it to touch its outermost branches and it was a privilege to be in the presence of what is described as the oldest living thing in Europe. I didn't reach out to it with anything in particular in mind, I just wanted to say hello. I didn't expect what happened. In a similar way to my experience in Wales energy started to gather within me centred around my heart. I was able to use the wall and railings as support as this energy was pulled out of me again as if I was being sick. Again I physically felt as if I was about to retch and was pulled over towards the wall. This happened twice and it it was pretty powerful both times.
The Fortingall Yew
I am grateful to the yew for these experiences and for what seems to be a purging or cleansing but I wish that the effects of it were a little less physical! I intend to try and fit in a shamanic style journey in the near future to speak to a yew spirit about these experiences as I suspect there is more to be learned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)